Maxi Dress and an Iced Latte

Tis the season for useless broads all over the country, to don platform wedges, maxi dresses, buy overpriced iced coffee drinks, and get beauty treatments.  As it turns out I’m a useless broad.

At my favorite second-hand store I bought my first maxi-dress.  A vivid blue and turquoise number that went all the way down to the floor.  It’s was rayon and looked like silk, and when I put it on I felt like a Real Housewife of Atlanta, for just 14 bucks.

What I found wearing the dress is that Maxi dresses are insane to walk in.  I literally almost fell down 4 times in 3 hours, which is way above average for me.  If you sit, creases form immediately, and moisture is really obvious.  Whether you dribble a bit of an iced soy vanilla mocha down the front or a pool of sweat forms between your ass cheeks during your long ladies lunch, everyone can tell.  Which brings me to my next point… Underwear is not a great idea, the material is too flimsy.  I’m just not the kind of person who goes without underwear unless it’s a special occasion.  Which is why I will never be a Real Housewife… of anything.

Later that day I got a manicure.  For those of you who don’t know because you a. don’t love yourself enough to get manicures, b. Are too poor, c. are a boy, d. belong a religion that won’t let vietnamese women touch you, I will tell you about this experience.  It feels good, the rubbing and the trimming and the filing. You aren’t able to respond to your phone and that also feels good.  You’re helpless because you can’t use your hands, so people bring you things, like tea and magazines.  They’ll even turn the pages of your magazine and get your wallet out of your purse.   This feeling of helplessness doesn’t go away after your nails dry and harden.  You still feel like a bird with broken little wings.

Freshly manicured in a maxi dress, walking, working, texting, cooking, pretty much any activity worth doing is all out.  The only thing I can do is stand, sip an iced bevo, and contemplate the total fucking lack of contribution I made to society today.  I hope you pick up the slack for me.

live tweeting church

I was awoken at 8:27 Sunday morning against my will. So I did what any guilty 20 something does while listening to their roommate have sex: I went to church. 

@bripruett 5/6/12 8:56am – Early for church!  Does god give heavenpoints for punctuality?  Here’s hoping!

@bripruett 5/6/12 8:58am – Everyone is kneeling. Should I kneel?  At this point Jesus will know I’m succumbing to peer pressure, which is a mortal sin.

@bripruett 5/6/12 9:03am – Suweet, opening ceremonies.  Because it’s May, there’s some kind of floral child parade before the priest enters. #nojoke #tooeasy

@bripruett 5/6/12 9:04am – 6 kids look like they’re from the same family. Not only are they asian, but they’re all wearing matching blue polos. #realityshowstyle

@bripruett 5/6/12 9:05am – Ok, to be fair they only look half asian.  It’s a real Jon and Kate plus Eight situation. #catholicedition

@bripruett 5/6/12 9:07am – Priest procession. Oh altar boys! Methinks you dream of a sunday morning in an empty house. #unsupervised  #internetmischief.

@bripruett 5/6/12 9:12am – First sing-a-long FTW!  This song was so awesome in Sister Act!  biturl.y7xi

@bripruett 5/6/12 9:15am – This old guy can’t read from the bible for shit. Can’t they record readings by actors?  #timcurry #charlesbarkley #marilynmanson

@bripruett 5/6/12 9:19am- Thanks to your crappy reading old guy, I couldn’t hear your riveting passage. Now I’m never gonna know what Jesus said.

@bripruett 5/6/12 9:21am- The irony of the call-and-response part of church, if you answer with any kind of thought you stand out from the crowd. #anothersin

@bripruett 5/6/12 9:27am- Sit, stand, kneel, stand, sit.  #cardio

@bripruett 5/6/12 9:39am – Sermon time: This guy says Hell is real.  And by “this guy” I mean the priest.

@bripruett 5/6/12 9:45am – Man this baby is making faces at everyone but me.  C’mon baby I will make you laugh so hard!

@bripruett 5/6/12 9:49am – Idk.  I don’t think I believe in Hell.  I think you gotta do what’s right on Earth to keep Earth from becoming Hell. #bookofbri

@bripruett 5/6/12 9:51am – What do I know.  There are homeless people everywhere and I throw pennies away.  #asshole #fuckpennies

@bripruett 5/6/12 10:01am – SNACK TIME.  God damn it Dane Cook, I always think of you at church! bit.yclxw

@bripruett 5/6/12 10:03am – No I’ll take the cracker in my hand thanks Father.  I’m perfectly capable of putting it in my mouth myself. #pro

@bripruett 5/6/12 10:06am – NOW kneeling happens, fosho.  Then we sing again, listen to boring announcements and go home.

@bripruett 5/6/12 10:12am – Yep right on schedule. #kthxbai

Mondays with Lily

Hi there.

As my first post I should probably talk about my Nana: Lily.  She’s 83, Korean, housebound, on supplemental oxygen, right wing conservative, and always kinda pissed off.  She’s also the most important person in my life and I kick it with her once a week.  As a jolly realist, I squeeze the shit out of all the time I have with her.  I believe I have a lot to learn from my ancestors and she’s the only grandparent I can fucking stand.

Nana sent me to the grocery store today to get a coconut.  It should be noted, she grew up in Hawaii and she is quite oriental; this is not the weirdest food item she could have asked for.  This is a woman who told me she hates avocados and pomegranates because she grew up on an orchard where they were “all over the damn place, I ate from the trees everyday.”  A couple weeks ago she sent me to an asian grocery store for what she described as “a pink tube on a wooden board,” called ‘fish cake’.

I asked her how to pick out a coconut.  ”Shake it and listen for the water inside,” she says.  Wait, how are you going to open the coconut nana, you who are so sick and enfeebled?  I’m imagining an ice pick and mallet or possibly boiling until it is soft.  I’m from Portland, Oregon, not Hawaii.  If I want coconut I buy it flaked, unsweetened, and organic.

“I just go outside, throw it against a rock, it splits in half, then you pick up the pieces.”

Here I thought my Nana was a normal person, but it turns out she’s an island survivalist.  And I’m a total pussy for not thinking of that. Hey, good first post.