Tis the season for useless broads all over the country, to don platform wedges, maxi dresses, buy overpriced iced coffee drinks, and get beauty treatments. As it turns out I’m a useless broad.
At my favorite second-hand store I bought my first maxi-dress. A vivid blue and turquoise number that went all the way down to the floor. It’s was rayon and looked like silk, and when I put it on I felt like a Real Housewife of Atlanta, for just 14 bucks.
What I found wearing the dress is that Maxi dresses are insane to walk in. I literally almost fell down 4 times in 3 hours, which is way above average for me. If you sit, creases form immediately, and moisture is really obvious. Whether you dribble a bit of an iced soy vanilla mocha down the front or a pool of sweat forms between your ass cheeks during your long ladies lunch, everyone can tell. Which brings me to my next point… Underwear is not a great idea, the material is too flimsy. I’m just not the kind of person who goes without underwear unless it’s a special occasion. Which is why I will never be a Real Housewife… of anything.
Later that day I got a manicure. For those of you who don’t know because you a. don’t love yourself enough to get manicures, b. Are too poor, c. are a boy, d. belong a religion that won’t let vietnamese women touch you, I will tell you about this experience. It feels good, the rubbing and the trimming and the filing. You aren’t able to respond to your phone and that also feels good. You’re helpless because you can’t use your hands, so people bring you things, like tea and magazines. They’ll even turn the pages of your magazine and get your wallet out of your purse. This feeling of helplessness doesn’t go away after your nails dry and harden. You still feel like a bird with broken little wings.
Freshly manicured in a maxi dress, walking, working, texting, cooking, pretty much any activity worth doing is all out. The only thing I can do is stand, sip an iced bevo, and contemplate the total fucking lack of contribution I made to society today. I hope you pick up the slack for me.