Dark and Mysterious World

Let’s get right into it.  I am now, sporadically, seeing a younger man.  I’m a young person too, I lost my virginity to a Harry Potter movie, but I won’t say which one because I’m a LADY.  This younger man is polite, super smart, funny, so cute and great in bed.  He drives the bus to sex town like he’s almost earned his pension. The other night he very casually said “I want to be an expert at oral sex.”  He SAID “oral sex.”  He’s that polite.  Then he looks up and his eyes whisper “teach me.”


The next day, while marveling over my amazing luck, I realized TO MY HORROR, I have no FUCKING CLUE what makes someone good at giving head.  Being tragically straight, I’ve never dined on vagina, but I do enjoy being on the receiving end!  So after some days of soul searching and reading some old sex diaries (yes, the diaries of the sex) I have compiled this list of tips for going down on women.  It is in no way definitive, it is very specialized to my needs, but it may shine a light into what, for some folks, is a dark and mysterious world.  Here we go…

1. You have to FUCKING LOVE IT.*

It’s terrifying to literally OPEN YOUR BODY in front of someone’s face.  TERRIFYING.  Try to make us feel relaxed.  We will intuitively be able to tell if you are having a good time…  So even if you have to pretend (and please pretend super good), we maybe will not notice because we will be pretending not to be TERRIFIED.

2. Keep it sweet and fun.

In the spirit of relaxing your lady, I think giving vaginal compliments are a good idea, for example: you taste so nice, you smell good, and/or you have a beautiful pussy.  I know it will seem silly to say “you have a beautiful pussy” aloud to another person, but you should definitely not giggle. How about practicing it now?  Look at yourself in a reflective surface in the room, coffee shop or office you are currently in, and say out loud 10 times YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL PUSSY!  Have fun with it!

3. Know your vaginas!

There’s this awesome moment in Bridesmaids when Jon Hamm’s character asks “do you know another man who can do THIS to you?” then grabs Kristen Wiig’s character’s breast and starts working it like it’s a giant clitoris.  This happens a lot.  Most touch is good, but gentle touch on the most sensitive parts is the BEST!  You got your clitoris, your g spot… and, that’s it, I’m pretty sure.  No, I’m sure there are other parts, you should of course ASK the woman you’re with.  Or just have a sweet, fun, make out session with your ladies’ parts, focus on the sweet spots, and you’ll be just fine.  And the clitoris is of course, the hooded gentlemen at the top of the key, and the g spot is on the front inside vaginal wall.  Like, if you are looking at her belly button, and your finger is inside of her, and you use your finger to beckon someone to “come here,” the way an old school teacher might in a cartoon, you’ll hit the spot.  Great now I’M turned on.

4. Find an ending.

Maybe she’s going to get her cookie, maybe she won’t.  Don’t sweat it.  It’s always appreciated whether there’s a big finish or not.  When you start to get sore, she probably is too, so just find an ending.  It doesn’t have to be perfect, in fact, it definitely won’t be.  If you REALLY want her to get there, try a little pageantry; dig your fingers into her thighs, renew your efforts, hit BOTH of the pleasure centers at the same time, and that usually does the trick for me.

5. Don’t freak out if she ejaculates

Just don’t.  Grab a towel if one is readily available or accept the puddle and move on with your life.

6. Cuddle

IF YOU HEAR NOTHING ELSE, hear this: spoon her for a while before initiating sex again, because you DID just have sex.  I know it might not seem that way to you, but it definitely does for her, particularly if she came.  If she didn’t cum, she may want to have intercourse right away, ASK her!  But do it cuddlin’.  It’s usually a pretty safe default move.

There it is, one woman’s opinion on how to eat pussy.

Wishing you great love and good sex,