Booty Texts

It’s 2am and my phone lights up with a message.  It’s a simple message, but the implications are obvious.The subtext of this text: “Hey, would now be a good time for me to come over and have sex?” The actual text reads: “Hey”

 

I know what he means, because this is a person who I have a prescribed relationship with and I know where this ‘Hey” is going.  You don’t make small talk with Santa Claus do you?  You say “Here’s what I want.” As is the subtle beautiful booty text relationship.  My problem with this brief message, is not it’s brevity, or it’s casualness… it’s the lack of imagination.  Sex is a beautiful, carnal, physical exchange and we’ve become so embarrassed and ashamed of our sexuality we are losing the language to talk about it.

 

I surveyed a small group of hetero lady friends (as the hetero males seem to be the number one unimaginative Booty Call perpetrators) about their worst Booty Text.  Here are the worst and/or most frequent texts in pursuit of booty.

 

“How about a little hump day fun?” -sent on a wednesday (ugh)

“When can I cum eat ur pussy”

“Hey, Missed me?;)”

“Happy Hour?” -sent at 2am

“excuse me, is your bed taken?”

“You up?”

“You free?”

“You around?”

“Hey.”

“Hey Hey”

“Hi there”

 

When I really want to get down don’t make me say ‘no’ just to invalidate your dumb ass ideas of what sexy is.  It’s not fair!  A good booty text is pretty simple:  Be vulnerable!  Be bold! Be playful and funny! To inspire your brief lusty shouts into the void, I’ve enlisted some local writers, comedians, and pro-tweeters…

 

“WebMD says my junk might be broken forever. Can I get a second opinion?” @Alex_Falcone

 

“Come over and be the little spoon while we watch that Disney version of Robin Hood with those hot foxes.” @RorynotRoy

 

“We’ve got tonight, who needs tomorrow. And I promise not to cry afterwards this time.” Tommy Gaffney

 

“I think my dick needs some ‘you’ time.'” @WalkerNicolas

 

“I want to do that thing you said we could do when my ankle healed. Also, I bought the “item.” “ @Jason_Rouse

 

“I’m not tryna fuck, but if that what has to happen for us to spoon together all night, then you could probably convince me.” – @Curtis_Cook

 

And if that wasn’t enough to get your lover’s engine going try this… “I’ll buy breakfast” @bripruett

 

Wishing you great love and good sex,

Bri

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