Let’s Do it with Bri Pruett: A Very Special Memorial Day Message About Faking Orgasm

Illustration by Erika Moen

Illustration by Erika Moen

Last summer, I was doing some SERIOUS online dating, but one Sunday night had me twisted.

It was a first date, and it was running long. I thought I’d have drinks, laughs, maybe a quick smooch, and be asleep by 10. Instead our long conversations and nervous flirting took forever to percolate. By the time we realized the chemistry was real and took things back to my place, it was 1:30 and our slow-to-start make out sesh turned irresistible and sexy and sleepy. I wasn’t trying to have sex (it’s the first date and I’m allowed to be traditional), but this was definitely fun and I was getting caught up in this guy. He’s hard as 10 rocks and moaning in desire and frustration, and it breaks me. So I change my mind and give consent, saying: “Okay, let’s get you off.” And he’s like: “But I want you to come.”

So there we are: He’s trying his best… but I’m not that close, and the pressure is mounting, and he’s asking if I’m close, and it’s got to be THREE IN THE GODDAMN MORNING! So I did what anyone would do, I closed my eyes, arched my back, moaned and successfully resisted the urge to say, “I’ll have what she’s having!” He pops his cork and I get my 40 winks, LIKE A PRO.

Why didn’t I just stop and tell the guy this wasn’t working? Answer: because that’s kinda scary! What if he got mad, or turned off, or never called me again, or all those things? Am I ruining everything my fore-parents fought for? Am I sacrificing a real human interaction for a polite one? Am I being PORTLAND PASSIVE in the worst context?

Look, I’m not proud. I know I’m setting unrealistic expectations for the dude. Plenty of Jezebel journalists have drawn lines in the sand re: orgasm faking, and they all make excellent points. You scream your head off, and then having experienced success, the dude or lady thinks “Wow! I sure am good at sex.” Then they go about their life, disappointing everyone they have the honor of bedding. Later the dude or lady thinks, “Geez what’s going on? ‘The left-handed tickler’ worked so well with _____, why isn’t this trick screaming to their deity of choice right now?“

If I inflate someone’s sexual ego, indirectly writing checks that his dick can’t cash… how is that my fucking problem?! Okay, you’re right, it takes a village to teach a guy how to fuck—but I’m no saint. Sometimes you have to take care of yourself and a faked orgasm is a white lie. It’s not really going to hurt anything. UNLESS YOU GET INTO A REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS PERSON (more on that later).

We’re all looking for language, for etiquette, for guidelines about how to do this whole dating “thing.” You want permission to fake an orgasm with someone? Someone who you aren’t in a relationship with, who you only are casually fucking because it’s Sunday night and there are no more episodes of Mad Men. If you need permission, you got it, friendo!

But not if you’re in love. Because lying to your partner is lame. And more than one white lie is a real lie. Lies between you and your partner are really going to screw things up for your orgasms down the line… And intimacy and stuff.

In lieu of faking orgasms, learning how to fake orgasms, and debating the merits of faking it, we should REALLY be focusing on figuring out what gets us off, how to communicate that to our sexual partners and if the “getting-off” part is as important as we think? Have you guys made out with someone in the shower lately? DO IT!

Wishing you authentic orgasms and honest communication,
@Bri Pruett

Splitsider’s UP and COMING 2015!

splitsider.PNG

Look who’s dumb face is on the front page of Splitsider! This article gives props to the smaller comedy markets like Portland, Denver, Austin; showcasing amazing talent that hasn’t blown up nationally yet (like ya girl!). Follow all these folks, particularly Maggie Maye, Kristin Rand, Chris Cubas and Denver comic: Jordan Doll, who will be coming out for my weekly show, Earthquake Hurricane in July! Small Market Synergy!

Thanks to Splitsider and everyone’s support as I climb closer to those hot, Hollywood lights.

My Bridgetown Schedule!

http://www.bridgetowncomedy.com/performer/10189-bri-pruett

Dear lord I love Bridgetown Comedy Festival. It’s truly an honor to be invited.

PLEASE! COME WATCH ME THIS WEEKEND!

THURSDAY, May 7th – Let’s Do It w/ Bri Pruett

Rotture Lower – 8pm-9:30pm

FRIDAY, May 8th – Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction

Bossanova Ballroom – 11pm -12:30pm

SATURDAY, May 9th – Boogie Down

Boogie’s Burgers – 9:30pm-11pm

SUNDAY, May 10th – Keep Everywhere Weird

My Father’s Place – 7:30-9pm

Earthquake Hurricane in the Portland Monthly

Read about our hot hot show and come check us out before we get more crowded than BRUNCH http://www.portlandmonthlymag.com/arts-and-entertainment/articles/your-roadmap-to-portlands-comedy-scene-may-2015

Published in the Portland Monthly, April 27th, 2015 by Marty Patail

On a Wednesday night, 50 people squeeze into the basement of the Northeast Portland bike shop Velo Cult, a space no bigger than most living rooms. The crowd spills out the door in the back, beyond the bucket of crumpled $5 bills, where two comics hastily arrange to borrow a car to make a near-simultaneous gig across town. On stage, Curtis Cook grills a couple about their sex life, to raucous laughter.

This is Earthquake Hurricane, a weekly comedy showcase hosted by four hot local talents: Cook, Alex Falcone, Anthony Lopez, and Bri Pruett. Just two weeks after this show, a fire code violation forced the foursome to move. The crowds followed. If some art is a delicate flower, this slice of Portland comedy recalls Himalayan blackberry, spreading on a tough patch of soil.

This month, the eighth annual Bridgetown Comedy Festival will flood Portland venues with comics and comedy fans. An invitation to the festival remains a coveted badge of honor among local comics, even as Bridgetown has become more national than local. Of 124 comics performing this year, just 11 live in Portland. (In its first year, a third were locals.) That shift cements Portland as a comedy destination, but it also reflects health: the city’s comedy scene has become an everyday phenomenon, fizzing with the DIY energy and intimacy of events like Earthquake Hurricane. Local comics no longer need to rely on a single annual festival.

“It’s insane,” says Lopez, 27. “When I started out doing comedy six years ago, I could probably name 15, 20 local comics. Now there are so many opportunities.”

“It was sad,” adds Pruett, 31, who recalls awful experiences when the scene revolved around Harvey’s Comedy Club and a open mic at Suki’s, near PSU, notorious for its tough crowds. “We were performing for drunks. It was a dive bar scene.”

Now, the city has pollinated a distinct comedy personality, as a bootstrapping, any-show-anywhere ethos that welcomes diverse new voices. The EastBurn fills up Monday nights for It’s Gonna Be Okay, a feminist-leaning show. Curious Comedy Theater packs its auditorium for Lez Stand Up, a weekly LGBT-friendly show, and Minority Retort, for comedians of color. In Multnomah Village—not typically a nightlife destination—two female comics launched Spilt Milk “to escape housework and children.” Every so often, White Tiger Radio hosts an ultra-hip, 40-seat show in a garage on NE Killingsworth Street. Reversing the medium’s traditional male dominance, women run four of Portland’s top comedy shows.

“People are doing secret things,” says Pruett. “It’s like New York: there will be a show anywhere until the cops shut it down. We’re a real budding scene now that the fire marshal shut down our venue. We’ve made it.”

Not everyone who grabs a mic will be good. But rising tides raise all ships.

“There’s a natural ceiling here,” says Falcone. “If people get too hot, they bubble over and disappear to LA. But each time someone amazing graduates, another person ascends.”

At Earthquake Hurricane, Falcone introduces Shane Torres—one such recent “graduate”—who is back in town from Brooklyn for a week.

“Last year, he was Portland’s funniest comic,” Falcone says with a grin. “Now he’s New York’s twenty-thousandth funniest comic.”

Let Do It with Bri Pruett: How to Pick a Sex Playlist

(Originally published on The Portland Mercury’s Blogtown, PDX on April 24th, 2015: http://www.portlandmercury.com/BlogtownPDX/archives/2015/04/24/lets-do-it-with-bri-pruett-how-to-pick-a-sex-playlist)

Look, no one likes Kelly Rowland (not even her parents)—but she did make one contribution to the pop cultural zeitgeist. That contribution is the 3:59 long R&B opus“Motivation” that more folks have banged to than the entire Luther Vandross catalog. “Go lover, don’t you dare slow down…” Thanks Kelly.

There are a trove of artists that cater to grown folks business. Artists like Marvin Gaye, Prince, Sade. They make it easy on the rest of us; no bedroom DJing required. Put em’ on and let em’ roll, confidant those artists will cradle us in their velvety tones all the way to the sex bank.

There are folks who told me they don’t go sexin’ with a soundtrack, which totally surprised me, but then, I don’t do much without mah beats. I suppose it is a little juvenile: “Hang on honey, before we get to fuckin’, I needs to cue up MY FAVORITE TUUUNES MAAAAN!” Maybe because most of the sex I’ve had is in proximity to a roommate with paper-thin apartment walls, I’ve always had a playlist.

Like with any foreplay action, you are setting a tone for the kind of sex you’re going to have. If you’re trying to get something sweet and tender, try Bon Iver. If you’re trying to do something sexy and sweaty, stick to R&B like Miguel. Something dirty and slightly kinkier, something with a darker, more-electronic vibe, try The Weeknd or Massive Attack. If you’re having kinky-as-hell, raw, nightmare sex… you probably already have the details of your scene all picked out, from the spreader bar to the German industrial playlist.

Generally it’s up to the host to pick the tunes and have an appropriate bedroom sound system. A laptop with no speakers will not get you laid—nor will a free Pandora station. If you are broke, try 8tracks.com or Songza, services that let’s you make and listen to mixed tapes. Better yet, you can enter in your mood/activity/artist and it’ll let tapes roll that share that tag. (Example: “sex” “chill”)

Bedroom jams can backfire horribly from time to time. You don’t want a mix to be so on point that your lover pauses between strokes to yell “THAT’S MY JAM!” Instant boner killer. Sometimes song lyrics can evoke powerful memories. You don’t want to pick songs that evoke a vivid memory, like of an ex-partner. An easy fix is choosing instrumentals. A friend recommended French hip hop; unless your lover is bilingual, the focus will be on your derriere.

Maybe you are a total square like me, you don’t have a ton of time to make mixed tapes and you’ve been recycling the same busted-ass playlist like you’re a sound engineer fromGuardians of the Galaxy (that soundtrack was hack, deal with it). That’s why I enlisted some local music aficionados to, ahem, fill the gap.

Ladies and gentlemen, after the jump, your new sex tape:

Bobby DSex Life DJ’s, Nightschool on XRAY.FM

De-De – S&M (Sexy Music) (Rated X)

Dam-Funk – I Like Your Big Azz (Girl)

K-Maxx – Cupcakin’

Psychic Mirrors – Midnight Special

Love Cryme – Get It On
Hutch HarrisThe Thermals

Diiv – “(Druun)”

Chastity Belt – “Black Sail”

Young Prisms – “To Touch You”

The Blow – “A Kiss”

Barry White – “Love Serenade”
Deena BeeThe Soundbox on KBOO, Dear Mama

DeAngelo – Dreaming eyes of mine

Tokimonsta w/ Anderson Paak – Realla

The Coup – I Just Wanna Lay Around All Day in Bed With You

The Dream – Turnt Out

SHLOHMO ft Jeremih ft – Lil Bo Peep (Do U Right)
Ned LannamannMusic Editor, Portland Mercury

Prince – “I Wanna Be Your Lover” or “Do Me, Baby”

Aphex Twin – Selected Ambient Works 85-92 (any track will do)

ABBA – “Eagle”

Marvin Gaye – “I Want You”

Neu! – “Weissensee”
and ya girl… Bri Pruett

Ne-YO – Lazy Love

Usher – Climax

Miguel – Pussy is mine

Big K.R.I.T.- Third Eye

Jhene Aiko – pretty much anything
Wishing you melodsex and great love,
@BriPruett