My Bridgetown Schedule!

http://www.bridgetowncomedy.com/performer/10189-bri-pruett

Dear lord I love Bridgetown Comedy Festival. It’s truly an honor to be invited.

PLEASE! COME WATCH ME THIS WEEKEND!

THURSDAY, May 7th – Let’s Do It w/ Bri Pruett

Rotture Lower – 8pm-9:30pm

FRIDAY, May 8th – Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction

Bossanova Ballroom – 11pm -12:30pm

SATURDAY, May 9th – Boogie Down

Boogie’s Burgers – 9:30pm-11pm

SUNDAY, May 10th – Keep Everywhere Weird

My Father’s Place – 7:30-9pm

Earthquake Hurricane in the Portland Monthly

Read about our hot hot show and come check us out before we get more crowded than BRUNCH http://www.portlandmonthlymag.com/arts-and-entertainment/articles/your-roadmap-to-portlands-comedy-scene-may-2015

Published in the Portland Monthly, April 27th, 2015 by Marty Patail

On a Wednesday night, 50 people squeeze into the basement of the Northeast Portland bike shop Velo Cult, a space no bigger than most living rooms. The crowd spills out the door in the back, beyond the bucket of crumpled $5 bills, where two comics hastily arrange to borrow a car to make a near-simultaneous gig across town. On stage, Curtis Cook grills a couple about their sex life, to raucous laughter.

This is Earthquake Hurricane, a weekly comedy showcase hosted by four hot local talents: Cook, Alex Falcone, Anthony Lopez, and Bri Pruett. Just two weeks after this show, a fire code violation forced the foursome to move. The crowds followed. If some art is a delicate flower, this slice of Portland comedy recalls Himalayan blackberry, spreading on a tough patch of soil.

This month, the eighth annual Bridgetown Comedy Festival will flood Portland venues with comics and comedy fans. An invitation to the festival remains a coveted badge of honor among local comics, even as Bridgetown has become more national than local. Of 124 comics performing this year, just 11 live in Portland. (In its first year, a third were locals.) That shift cements Portland as a comedy destination, but it also reflects health: the city’s comedy scene has become an everyday phenomenon, fizzing with the DIY energy and intimacy of events like Earthquake Hurricane. Local comics no longer need to rely on a single annual festival.

“It’s insane,” says Lopez, 27. “When I started out doing comedy six years ago, I could probably name 15, 20 local comics. Now there are so many opportunities.”

“It was sad,” adds Pruett, 31, who recalls awful experiences when the scene revolved around Harvey’s Comedy Club and a open mic at Suki’s, near PSU, notorious for its tough crowds. “We were performing for drunks. It was a dive bar scene.”

Now, the city has pollinated a distinct comedy personality, as a bootstrapping, any-show-anywhere ethos that welcomes diverse new voices. The EastBurn fills up Monday nights for It’s Gonna Be Okay, a feminist-leaning show. Curious Comedy Theater packs its auditorium for Lez Stand Up, a weekly LGBT-friendly show, and Minority Retort, for comedians of color. In Multnomah Village—not typically a nightlife destination—two female comics launched Spilt Milk “to escape housework and children.” Every so often, White Tiger Radio hosts an ultra-hip, 40-seat show in a garage on NE Killingsworth Street. Reversing the medium’s traditional male dominance, women run four of Portland’s top comedy shows.

“People are doing secret things,” says Pruett. “It’s like New York: there will be a show anywhere until the cops shut it down. We’re a real budding scene now that the fire marshal shut down our venue. We’ve made it.”

Not everyone who grabs a mic will be good. But rising tides raise all ships.

“There’s a natural ceiling here,” says Falcone. “If people get too hot, they bubble over and disappear to LA. But each time someone amazing graduates, another person ascends.”

At Earthquake Hurricane, Falcone introduces Shane Torres—one such recent “graduate”—who is back in town from Brooklyn for a week.

“Last year, he was Portland’s funniest comic,” Falcone says with a grin. “Now he’s New York’s twenty-thousandth funniest comic.”

Sex Survey Results 2014!

Originally published, November 5th, 2014 in the Portland Mercury

WOW PORTLAND, so many of you took this year’s Mercury Sex Survey! THANK YOU! I wonder how many of you completed it pants-less? (We gotta put that on next year’s survey!) For those just joining us, two weeks ago I wrote the roughly 50 questions that made up the 2014 Mercury Sex Survey. In response, a whopping 3,100 Portlanders (twice as many as last time) turned down the lights, pumped the Marvin Gaye, and sexily examined your inner-deviant. [Note: Some of you answered all the questions, but some of you couldn’t be bothered—so that’s why some of the results may not equal 100%, math-nerds.] Now for the monumental task of decoding these fat stacks of survey results. I aim to scientifically answer these questions: Who are you, Portland? And who you fuckin’? LET’S GET INTO IT.


WHO ARE YOU?

You are mostly 26 to 35 years old—gee, I’m so shocked. One percent of you are 66 to 75 years old, probably because my parents are VERY supportive. 50% of you are ladies, and less than 50% dudes, while 2% of you would like us to stop asking about yer gender. (Message received, homies).

For a city that’s been accused of being promiscuous, being a temporary home to tons of bands rolling through between Eugene and Seattle, and attracting young ballers looking to make a killing in the real estate game—a whopping 63% of you are married or are co-habitating. DAYUM, Portland, y’all are inrelationships. NO WONDER I HAVEN’T MET ANYONE! (That makes me feel much better about my cold, empty bed. What a great, life-affirming sex survey this is!)

You sexually minded folks are hella educated. Most (40%) of you have bachelor’s degrees, while about 200 of you learned everything you know from “the streets.” (Hey man, the streets don’t lie.)

In the survey, I asked you about your jobs… mostly just to be polite, also so you don’t feel like our relationship is just about sex (sometimes you have to nod and smile supportively while the person you’re banging goes on and on about their jerky boss). 7% of you work for the government, and coincidentally, government workers are most likely to jerk off daily! (No wonder those lines at the post office are so long! They’re licking their own stamp… if you get my meaning.)

67% of you identify as heterosexual. ONLY 5% are old-fashioned gay folks, which means that a lot of folks are identifying as newfangled queers! 14% of you are bi, and 4% of you are pansexual. And because I had to look it up, you might need this definition of “pansexual”: sexually attracted to all the genders, without acknowledging a gender binary. Basically it seems increasingly popular not to bring this subject into the bedroom. Fuck first, ask about pronouns later, right? PORTLAND, you transformed the Kinsey Scale from a line into a polydodecahedron… and I love you for it!

By the way, 1% of you identify as asexual, and that’s cool too. Thanks for taking this survey. I hope it doesn’t gross you out too much. Hopefully knowing how the other 99% lives will help you figure out what’s going on with your non-asexual friends, and maybe even Mulder and Scully.

Let’s talk for a moment about the much-made-of “Poly People.” The poly community really stepped up to take this sex survey, as 42% of you identified as something other than monogamous (as in either polyamorous, monogamish, or polyamorous-ish). That seems like a lot! Like if I went out on 100 first dates (which was actually in the ballpark this past summer), 42 of those guys could be like, “This was really great, you’re really special… you remind me of my wife.” Geez, Portland, you are killing it with being Portland-y right now


HOW INTO SEX ARE YOU?

The people having the most sex are those who are living together, but aren’t married(18% say they have sex two or more times a week). It’s amazing how a childless, nuptial-free apartment can really set the mood.

Who’s having daily sex? 6% of you say you bang every day. People who fuck two or more times a week represent the biggest piece of the pie at 35% (single, living together = 18%, married = 9%, single = 4%). There was also a good showing for people who hit it once a week (14%), while 18% of folks get wet three times a month. 10% of you bang once a month, 8% of you bang a couple of times a year. 6% of you aren’t getting any at all, and since only 1% of you are asexual… I’m sad now.

As far as sexual history, 19% of you have banged five or fewer people, and 17% of you have banged 31 or more people. And yet, here we all are, living in the same city together, taking the same sex survey. Beautiful. Good thing to remember, because say you just started dating someone and you can’t understand why they aren’t making moves to get in your pants… perhaps they’re part of the 19% percent, and trying to keep their numbers down. Maybe you’re confused because you’re part of the 17%; you’re a big bag of come-covered Friday nights, and it’s highly likely misunderstandings could run amok. It’s tough to ask someone about their sexual experience in an era when both slut-shaming and chaste-shaming are rampant! Just goes to show you can’t really make assumptions in relationships. Experiences vary so wildly, even in Portland!


JERKIN’ OFF

I got some feedback about our survey’s masturbation questions, saying I was gearing them toward men. “Hey Bri, don’t you think broads masturbate?” Actually, yeah, I do! I believe ladies all over the world are dimming the lights, putting on some D’Angelo, and jerking their bits to climax right now! Women jerk, too. So maybe can we just cool it with gendering all the verbs? Ugh. So much gendering, so little time! ANYWAY. Back to jerkin’ it. As for treating your body like an amusement park, how much are you doing it?

On the whole, some of you jerk off a lot. If I exercised as much as you jerk off, I’d be a college football cheerleader (or a college football player, for that matter). 8% of you jerk it 9 to 15 times a week… but y’know what? I’m proud of you. You have a loving relationship with your body. I sincerely, if maybe over-optimistically, hope you weren’t crying during some of those self-love sessions—AKA a “sob job.” Just a tip for you compulsive self-flagellators: Change it up from time to time. If you treat your dick/clit like Pavlov’s dog, your next partner might not know to ring the bell. I’m not saying don’t jerk off, I’m saying switch it up. If you always watch porn, maybe try using your imagination once a week. Instead of your hand, use a fun toy, or try a different hole… live your life! Okay, I think I’ve made my point.

Speaking of speculating on jerking off: Did you know that 20% of boys don’t use lube when they are shooting solo? But WHY? Isn’t it better all wet and messy? How are you going to piston the engine block with no OIL? Wait… what am I saying? See, when you make assumptions about how other people jerk off, you make an ass out of “u” and me—especially when your go-to Valentine’s Day gift is a giant bottle of Jergens. It’s such a cliché… the guilty male masturbator, pumping a hot wad of Lubriderm into his palm; like the mighty gymnast clapping chalk, or the mighty professional bowler drying his hands and donning fingerless gloves. Wet, dry, chalky… do it the way you want. You’re all champions, is what I’m saying.

Isn’t this demystification fun? Okay, so what else? 53% of you watch porn and it’s a pretty close split between ladies (22%) and dudes (31%). Not many of you had opinions about porn websites—which is a shame because I really wanted some new suggestions. There isn’t really an online pornography gold standard yet. (Where you at, Google?) Besides the options provided: YouPorn, XTube, and RedTube, your write-in jerk-spirations were: 4tube, Bing video search, erotic fiction, Extremetube, FetLife, xHamster, Motherless, NudeVista, PornHub, Reddit subreddits, RedTube, Chaturbate, Spankwire, Tumblr porn, X-Art, XVideos.

31% of you like to do it the old-fashioned way with DVDs. 6% still have VHS porn tapes and players, and enjoy the antiquated pleasure of watching pornography in high-speed reverse to the beginning, before Ginger invited her boyfriend over to her babysitting gig to “study,” and before Mr. and Mrs. Johnson came home early! Whoopsy!

(BTW, 17% of you said you watch porn on Thomas Edison’s Kinetoscope—and frankly that’s 17% more snarky goofballs than I thought would be taking this survey. You wise-ass knuckleheads, I bet you took the survey pants-less, too.)

Okay, REAL TALK: 47% of you said you’d like to act out your favorite type of porn IN REAL LIFE. Challenge to you: (1) Tell your partner/lover/just a good friend about your “thing.” And do it like this: “Can I tell you something that turns me on in theory that I’d maybe like to try in real life, without you making me feel shitty about it? Really, I can?! You’re a good friend. I’ve always wanted to do _______ .” (2) Put it on your sex-bucket list in the “maybe” column. (3) Just wait for “the secret” to kick in. (4) Profit.


BEFORE IT GOES DOWN

Those of you using sex toys are buying them on the internet (20%), or keeping it local at She Bop (16%) or keeping it corporate at Fantasy (9%), while 6% of you got your toys from your lover and you aren’t sure where they buy their stuff, because you enjoy mysteries? 2% of you are DIY as fuck, buying things at the grocery/hardware store to put up and around your butt. Martha would be proud (that’s Ms. Stewart, if you’re nasty).

Okay, I’m going to drop some knowledge on you right now. 11% OF YOU AREN’T GETTING TESTED FOR STDS… AT ALL, AS IN NEVER! And only 3% of you who have never been tested are married and monogamous, so some of you need to take some personal responsibility and GET TESTED. You go to Planned Parenthood, you plunk down the 150 or so bucks (sometimes they run a $100 flat-rate screening), or you get a cheap screening from the Oregon Department of Health. OR you use your fancy insurance and look your doctor in the eye while you ask for a full STD screening. DO IT: for a clean conscience and clean genitals.

Do you ever wonder where all the ANAL SEX IS HAPPENING IN PORTLAND? Why… IN NORTH PORTLAND! You are fucking more butts than any other borough (at 16%), which means we’ll have to start calling you “Sauvie Brown Eye-land.” Instead of St. Johns, “Taint’s John’s” (as in “John owns your taint”—hey, puns are hard sometimes). Southeast, you came in second place at 14%. (Good job, Division-between-the-cheeks.) And Northeast, you placed third at 8%. (Solid showing IRVING-BUM, and Sullivan’s Gulch… already sounds like it’s about butts.) Not a lot of butt stuff happening on the Westside. (Loosen up, Westside, it only hurts for a second.)

Fun fact: 4% of you are not using lube with anal sex. Really? I can’t even with you right now.

28% of you meet people to fuck through your friends, 20% of you meet people to fuck online, and 13% of you just meet people randomly. Oh, you free-spirited Portland, you just fall into genitals like open manhole covers! (Ha, man hole.) Here are some of the write-in examples of unexpected places you’ve boned: 24 Hour Fitness, a baby shower, a car accident, a D&D campaign, a funeral, a Timbers game, Ben & Jerry’s, Chopsticks II, Circle K, Enchanted Forest, Home Depot, “my kid’s school” (with his teacher), the pumpkin patch,Ren Faire, and the downtown library. (So apparently I need to kick it at Circle K more. Message received, INTERNET.)

OkCupid is the most popular online place to meet potential fuck puppets at 23%. Tinder(10%) and Craigslist (6%) are also hot spots. Other sites also see quite a bit of action—PlentyOfFish, Match.com, eHarmony, and the like—but my guess is these sites were always more geared toward relationships. You fornicators are savvy.

All right, so you’ve met the person, and you’re ready do some freaking. 30% of you reach for a condom, 18% of you are like, “I’m just using my IUD,” while 15% pop the pill before you pop that pussy. (Glad to see the IUDs are on the rise… not to show journalistic bias, but I love IUDs! Ask about them RIGHT AFTER YOUR STD SCREENING. Am I being clear about that? Go get screened. Right now.)

One-third of you don’t have a fuck buddy, while a little over one-third of you DO have a fuck buddy. Meanwhile, 12% of you want a fuck buddy—and some of you didn’t answer this question. Probably because you took this quiz WITH your fuck buddy, and it was awkward.

And most of you are more long-term oriented when it comes to your sexual relationships.22% of you keep your bang buddies for years, 22% of you have had your sexual partnership for a year, and 22% of you have an average sexual relationship of about a month. Only 7% of you usually stick to one-night-stands, and 2% of you fuck and run after an hour. Where’s the fire?

10% of you have made the decision to get an abortion. Big hugs, my courageous, dear friends. 10% of you have paid for an abortion, and some of you foot your own bill. 20% of you have been tangled up in an accidental pregnancy. Don’t worry, it worked out for your parents.

My favorite moment of this survey came from the last question… “Has a one-night stand ever become a longer relationship?” One of our stock answers was, “No way, relationships = death.” AND NO ONE PICKED THAT OPTION. You’re into ongoing relationships, Portland… I can tell. Those relationships are casual, sexual, unorthodox, or involve multiple people, but they are connections and you OWN IT. Hope you continue to make lovely connections and keep each other coming and smiling throughout what will undoubtedly be a long, dark, wet, sexy, cuddly winter.


And keep reading my semi-regular column (“Let’s Do It by Bri Pruett”) on Blogtown!

Wishing you great love and good sex,

Bri Pruett

KGW Talk Box

My comedy buddy Alex Falcone and I went to promote Late Night Action on KGW Live at 7! Reggie Aqui is so polished and cool, and I think we made him laugh, at least twice. I love him! Check out the video!

KGW Talk Box! Alex and Bri talk Late Night Action

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You missed our September addition with all the sweet guests in the picture, but you should come to the next Late Night Action with Alex Falcone at Mississippi Studios, October 27th at 8pm!

My Mark Driscoll Impression

You’ve probably seen something about misogynist ass hat Pastor Mark Driscoll in the news lately. His Mars Hill church has been accused of cult-like shaming behavior and institutional misogyny. Also misappropriating funds…whoops!

 

I thought it might be fun to reframe some things he’s been saying, allegedly, in private. Enjoy me saying dumb stuff! This guy is such a priiiiick!

 

SICC Competition Documentary Kickstarter!

About 6 months ago I participated in the Seattle International Comedy Competition. It was hard, it was fun, it was enlightening, and I think the whole process is fascinating. Ruben Rodriguez Perez filmed me and the other 38 qualifiers and now he’s trying to make the documentary about it, so give him your money! The trailer is about 4% Bri Pruett, so you’ll probably enjoy it.

If you are a supporter of comedy and the arts and film, this project is worthy of your attention! Ruben is a talented guy, and the world deserves to hear my dumb opinions about art and watch me take 9th place in a comedy competition.

Let’s Do it with Bri Pruett: How to Suck a Dick!

Originally published here on the Portland Mercury Blogtown, April 28th, 2014

Let’s Do it with Bri Pruett: How to Suck a Dick

A few friends have seen my stand-up comedy joke sets, and commented, “dang Bri! Now that we’ve seen your jokes, we KNOW you give head!”

OF COURSE I give head, I’m looking for a PARTNER.

Blame changing social norms, blame pornography—point is, the dating game has CHANGED. Blowjobs are part of the dating milieu. Who knows what will be on the table 100 years from now? Anal? Rim jobs? Maybe at the end of the first date a shy couple will stand on a front porch and instead of a cheek kiss, they’ll bang through a hole in a furry costume! I don’t know much about the future, but I do know a thing or two about sucking a dick.

So strap in, it’s going down!

HOW TO SUCK A DICK

1. You gotta really want to suck that dick

A half-assed blowjob isn’t good for ANYONE. Sometimes “liking” a dude is NOT ENOUGH. Sometimes you gotta have your own romance with that dick. Is the dick approachable? Attractive? Do it smell good? Is it intimidating? Ask yourself: Do I want to get involved with that dick?

Check it out before you commit to anything. If it’s your first time with this dude, feel him up a bit first, over the clothes while you’re making out. Examine it up close if you need to. Remember, just because you pulled it out doesn’t mean you HAVE to suck that thing.

I can already feel your protests filling my inbox like it’s a warm mouth: DON’T TEACH FOLKS TO BE COCK TEASES, BRI! I know, I know, you’re worried about the much-discussed blue balls. But I’m thinking of the “greater blowjob good.” People didn’t start appreciating wine until they started putting some in their mouths and spitting it out again.

And why are you so worried about blue balls? There are plenty of sex acts that don’t end in a big jizzy orgasm, so cool your jets and enjoy all that life has to offer! Porn and NASA rocket launches have taught you to always be working toward one ENORMOUS THROBBING CUM FACIAL, and you just gotta let that go. When you do, it’ll lead to some deeply satisfying sex—and you won’t always be racing to the finish line.

No one should be giving blowjobs because they feel like they’re obligated to… Maybe it’s the 3rd date, or maybe you’re married and this is the only dick in your world right now. There are a lot of other good reasons to suck a dick! Because you want to, because it turns you on, because you like being in control, because you like the noises he makes, because you like being responsible for those noises, because you like the way it feels in your mouth, because you like the way he looks at you while you do it… When you are in the mood, it’ll be a better blowjob.

2. First Contact

You’ve made up your mind. This dude is getting brain, YOUR brain, all over the tip of his dick (it isn’t such a cute expression on the other side of the verse is it KANYE?). So now you’ve got to get your mouth all on it.
Is he un-circumsized? Pull back the skin down and taut, very important. Most of the nerves in the penis are at the tip, and under side (aka the dark side).

PRO TIP: Maybe you’re nervous, or you been smoking pot—either way, that dry mouth is NOT gonna work. Keep a glass of water on your night stand or an emergency bottle of water in your sex kit. You don’t have a sex kit? Why not, what happened to it? Ugh, do you even WANT to get better at this?

There’s a rhythm to sucking dick, and it starts slowly. Pace yourself. Don’t slam it down your throat right away (if ever). I like to mark my territory first, gently make my presence known with a warm tongue on the underside of the dong in question. When everything is wet, it’s more sensitive.

With all sexy business, anticipation is a tenuous thread. Wait too long, and the anticipation fades to impatience. The boy you are working on will tell you with noises (and maybe words) when to move on to more rhythmic contact.

2a. Position

OH I FORGOT! How are you even put together? On your knees, while he’s sitting or standing? Are you both lying on your side? OR is he lying on his back, while you get into what the yogi’s would call “modified child’s pose.” (gross… awful… terrible)

In any case, being higher than him, and having the greatest range of motion is going to give you more torque. Meaning that you shouldn’t be reaching to suck his dick, like a baby giraffe stretching his tongue to eat from the cock tree on the dusty savannah.

Be comfortable. If your knees give you trouble, don’t do it that way. If your hips give you trouble, it’s gonna be tricky to have your ass up in the air. OH speaking of asses! If he’s in love with yours, make sure he has access to it, if you’re into that kind of thing. Or maybe he worships your tits. You know this dude (or maybe you don’t, no judgements!) there are lots of little things to make this a memorable blow job. Roll out the red carpet! Life is short!

Author’s Note: I’d be remiss if I did not mention the cheapest dinner-for-two in town, “69.” So named for the percentage of the time it fails to get its participants off. Still, the supporters of 69-ing are numerous and may they have simultaneous oral experiences for all their days! I personally cannot concentrate on giving a blow job while sitting on someone’s face. If you take pride in a blowjob, if you are wanting to give your requiem performance, skip the 69.

On that note, the rest of the messy details to follow—tune in next time and I’ll tell you how to DISMOUNT AND FINISH THE JOB!

Wishing you great love and epic blowjobs,
@BriPruett