My Mark Driscoll Impression

You’ve probably seen something about misogynist ass hat Pastor Mark Driscoll in the news lately. His Mars Hill church has been accused of cult-like shaming behavior and institutional misogyny. Also misappropriating funds…whoops!


I thought it might be fun to reframe some things he’s been saying, allegedly, in private. Enjoy me saying dumb stuff! This guy is such a priiiiick!


How to Suck a Dick – Part 2

[Don’t forget to read How to Suck a Dick—Part 1! – eds]

I missed you. So where were we?


1. You fell in love with a charming penis, you’veweighed the risks, and it’s going in your mouth.

2. You put your body where it needs to be. He’s happy and you’re happy.

3. You teased it, with your awesome, wet, mouth for an appropriate amount of time.

Now is the golden moment…

4. Suck that dick.

You’ve got a mountain in front of you. How are you going to climb it?

Sex is interactive, so I can’t give you a manual to the dick in front of you like it was a ’67 Chevy. Take it out of the garage and listen to that thing purrr; then get a feel for it and take it through the curves. Every mechanic thinks they are the boss and every cocksucker has their own moves, techniques, and calling cards. I knew a girl who wrapped a strand of her hair under the dude’s foreskin for him to find later. Get together and ask your friends, sisters, Rabbis, and friendly neighborhood sex workers. They’ll have a story or two from the front lines.

In the meantime, here are a few strategies from your big sister Bri:

Tuck your teeth back.

Find a rhythm, then break the rhythm. Do the same motion over and over (y’know, like during intercourse) then when you can tell he’s realllly into it, swerve. Pick a different rhythm. Pay attention to the reaction you get, then pick the rhythm that makes your dude writhe.

Here’s a tip you can have for free: Most guys like to watch. Turn on a light, or tell him to. Work your hair and look him in the eye. Badda boom. Really turns up the drama on the whole thing. Pull out the stops! This is not a dress rehearsal, this is the big night!

He should be REAL hard at this point. A lot of pressure is coming down on this sweet penis.Veins might be popping out. Now is a good time to play with sexy tension and change the rhythm to slow it down, bringing him back from the edge of the void.

A hard penis is like a good roux*, you can do a lot of things with it. Make it into a white sauce, make gumbo, or add cheese and macaroni and bake at 400 degrees for an hour**. Blowjob foreplay can lead to lots of different things—maybe some of you guys have seen porn before? Also, by slowing down and changing gears, you’re teaching the man attached to this lucky penis a valuable lesson about endurance. Remember, plenty of dudes can’t cum from oral sex… I’ve heard. Follow his lead, towards the finish line or on to another sexy adventure.

But there are also your textbook blow jobs. An act of precision and beauty in an uncertain world. On occasion, it’s nice to end the thing like you started it. So let’s cut the bullshit and make the gravy.***

5. Bring it home

Committing to those aforementioned rhythmic intervals are going to push you toward the end of the second act, so now might be a good time to decide where this guy’s gonna cum.

Honestly, It’s basically your decision since you’re the one driving the damn thing. You could ask him, but if he says something you aren’t into and you have to say “no,” that’s a real buzzkill right there. Offer a suggestion or just pull the trigger; he’s gonna be stoked no matter what, believe me. Ejaculation is a lot like real estate: Location, location, location. The way I see it, you have 3 options: onto you, around you, or into you. Pick one, then commit. Don’t get scared at the last second or someone might get hurt.

Taking it in the mouth is a perfectly reasonable way to take care of the whole jizz situation. Keep track of those sperms and either destroy them in the acidic depths of your belly, or spit them out, bag ’em and tag ’em. Any other targets might create a splash zone on your luxury bed linens, the bus stop enclosure, or whatever kinked-out scene you’re making.

He might give you a head’s up when the countdown has begun, but you can feel it out too. There will be throbbing, so look alive. All the air will leave the room, like when the wick of an explosive is lit. Zoom in to his crossed eyes, body spasm, silent spurts, followed by the sounds of release! GENTLY, GENTLY help him finish while he stares into the abyss of his little death.

Big question, SPIT OR SWALLOW? In or out? Ugh, why so binary, you sex robots?! I don’t care, and believe me he doesn’t either. If he has a preference and he didn’t tell you before hand, well, that’ll be a fun talk for next time. I feel like swallowing is the industry standard, but don’t be afraid of spitting, you sensitive flowers. A risky spit take could be a move for the bathroom but you run the risk of running into your roommate who really wants to talk about the cable bill. Be honest with yourselves, spitters! Be prepared and keep a LINED garbage can nearby and tissues in your sex kit. Oh good, you remembered your sex kit! I’m proud of you!

Swallowing is self-explanatory. Grab a swig of water, dab the corner of your mouth with your grandmother’s handkerchief and relax. You earned it. Now give your dude a kiss, go on, it’ll be good for him.

Author’s Note: When I was younger and less experienced, I found a startling trend among my lovers of aggressively pressing down on the back of my head while I was administering oral. I sought guidance from an older friend, “I don’t know what to do, when he holds my head down, I gag and it feels like I’m going to throw up!” Her advice? “If he won’t stop, just throw up.” HEAR THIS, BLOWJOB RECIPIENTS: non-consensual deepthroating is a real bummer. Girls who can do it and like to do it and WANT TO DO IT will let you know; they’re probably pretty proud and ready to show off. Don’t block someone’s airway against their will because you think she might like it a little rough. Roger that?

There, I told you I’d tell you how to finish! Bri Pruett finishes what she starts.

Wishing you great love and blowjob dreams,


*I’m looking forward to receiving my Pulitzer in Journalism for comparing sex and food for the first time.

**If I seriously don’t get any marriage proposals after proving that I am both good at blowing dudes and making baked pasta dishes…


SICC Competition Documentary Kickstarter!

About 6 months ago I participated in the Seattle International Comedy Competition. It was hard, it was fun, it was enlightening, and I think the whole process is fascinating. Ruben Rodriguez Perez filmed me and the other 38 qualifiers and now he’s trying to make the documentary about it, so give him your money! The trailer is about 4% Bri Pruett, so you’ll probably enjoy it.

If you are a supporter of comedy and the arts and film, this project is worthy of your attention! Ruben is a talented guy, and the world deserves to hear my dumb opinions about art and watch me take 9th place in a comedy competition.

Let’s Do it with Bri Pruett: How to Suck a Dick!

Originally published here on the Portland Mercury Blogtown, April 28th, 2014

Let’s Do it with Bri Pruett: How to Suck a Dick

A few friends have seen my stand-up comedy joke sets, and commented, “dang Bri! Now that we’ve seen your jokes, we KNOW you give head!”

OF COURSE I give head, I’m looking for a PARTNER.

Blame changing social norms, blame pornography—point is, the dating game has CHANGED. Blowjobs are part of the dating milieu. Who knows what will be on the table 100 years from now? Anal? Rim jobs? Maybe at the end of the first date a shy couple will stand on a front porch and instead of a cheek kiss, they’ll bang through a hole in a furry costume! I don’t know much about the future, but I do know a thing or two about sucking a dick.

So strap in, it’s going down!


1. You gotta really want to suck that dick

A half-assed blowjob isn’t good for ANYONE. Sometimes “liking” a dude is NOT ENOUGH. Sometimes you gotta have your own romance with that dick. Is the dick approachable? Attractive? Do it smell good? Is it intimidating? Ask yourself: Do I want to get involved with that dick?

Check it out before you commit to anything. If it’s your first time with this dude, feel him up a bit first, over the clothes while you’re making out. Examine it up close if you need to. Remember, just because you pulled it out doesn’t mean you HAVE to suck that thing.

I can already feel your protests filling my inbox like it’s a warm mouth: DON’T TEACH FOLKS TO BE COCK TEASES, BRI! I know, I know, you’re worried about the much-discussed blue balls. But I’m thinking of the “greater blowjob good.” People didn’t start appreciating wine until they started putting some in their mouths and spitting it out again.

And why are you so worried about blue balls? There are plenty of sex acts that don’t end in a big jizzy orgasm, so cool your jets and enjoy all that life has to offer! Porn and NASA rocket launches have taught you to always be working toward one ENORMOUS THROBBING CUM FACIAL, and you just gotta let that go. When you do, it’ll lead to some deeply satisfying sex—and you won’t always be racing to the finish line.

No one should be giving blowjobs because they feel like they’re obligated to… Maybe it’s the 3rd date, or maybe you’re married and this is the only dick in your world right now. There are a lot of other good reasons to suck a dick! Because you want to, because it turns you on, because you like being in control, because you like the noises he makes, because you like being responsible for those noises, because you like the way it feels in your mouth, because you like the way he looks at you while you do it… When you are in the mood, it’ll be a better blowjob.

2. First Contact

You’ve made up your mind. This dude is getting brain, YOUR brain, all over the tip of his dick (it isn’t such a cute expression on the other side of the verse is it KANYE?). So now you’ve got to get your mouth all on it.
Is he un-circumsized? Pull back the skin down and taut, very important. Most of the nerves in the penis are at the tip, and under side (aka the dark side).

PRO TIP: Maybe you’re nervous, or you been smoking pot—either way, that dry mouth is NOT gonna work. Keep a glass of water on your night stand or an emergency bottle of water in your sex kit. You don’t have a sex kit? Why not, what happened to it? Ugh, do you even WANT to get better at this?

There’s a rhythm to sucking dick, and it starts slowly. Pace yourself. Don’t slam it down your throat right away (if ever). I like to mark my territory first, gently make my presence known with a warm tongue on the underside of the dong in question. When everything is wet, it’s more sensitive.

With all sexy business, anticipation is a tenuous thread. Wait too long, and the anticipation fades to impatience. The boy you are working on will tell you with noises (and maybe words) when to move on to more rhythmic contact.

2a. Position

OH I FORGOT! How are you even put together? On your knees, while he’s sitting or standing? Are you both lying on your side? OR is he lying on his back, while you get into what the yogi’s would call “modified child’s pose.” (gross… awful… terrible)

In any case, being higher than him, and having the greatest range of motion is going to give you more torque. Meaning that you shouldn’t be reaching to suck his dick, like a baby giraffe stretching his tongue to eat from the cock tree on the dusty savannah.

Be comfortable. If your knees give you trouble, don’t do it that way. If your hips give you trouble, it’s gonna be tricky to have your ass up in the air. OH speaking of asses! If he’s in love with yours, make sure he has access to it, if you’re into that kind of thing. Or maybe he worships your tits. You know this dude (or maybe you don’t, no judgements!) there are lots of little things to make this a memorable blow job. Roll out the red carpet! Life is short!

Author’s Note: I’d be remiss if I did not mention the cheapest dinner-for-two in town, “69.” So named for the percentage of the time it fails to get its participants off. Still, the supporters of 69-ing are numerous and may they have simultaneous oral experiences for all their days! I personally cannot concentrate on giving a blow job while sitting on someone’s face. If you take pride in a blowjob, if you are wanting to give your requiem performance, skip the 69.

On that note, the rest of the messy details to follow—tune in next time and I’ll tell you how to DISMOUNT AND FINISH THE JOB!

Wishing you great love and epic blowjobs,

Bri Pruett LIVE at Action/Adventure! It’s my COMEDY ALBUM TAPING!

Bri Pruett LIVE at Action/Adventure! It's my COMEDY ALBUM TAPING!

Lovely flyer design by Heidi Stanley, photograph by Jason Traeger.

This is happening! Get your tickets for the 7:30 PM show here:

or 9:30 PM show here: