Let’s Do it with Bri Pruett: A Very Special Memorial Day Message About Faking Orgasm

Illustration by Erika Moen

Illustration by Erika Moen

Last summer, I was doing some SERIOUS online dating, but one Sunday night had me twisted.

It was a first date, and it was running long. I thought I’d have drinks, laughs, maybe a quick smooch, and be asleep by 10. Instead our long conversations and nervous flirting took forever to percolate. By the time we realized the chemistry was real and took things back to my place, it was 1:30 and our slow-to-start make out sesh turned irresistible and sexy and sleepy. I wasn’t trying to have sex (it’s the first date and I’m allowed to be traditional), but this was definitely fun and I was getting caught up in this guy. He’s hard as 10 rocks and moaning in desire and frustration, and it breaks me. So I change my mind and give consent, saying: “Okay, let’s get you off.” And he’s like: “But I want you to come.”

So there we are: He’s trying his best… but I’m not that close, and the pressure is mounting, and he’s asking if I’m close, and it’s got to be THREE IN THE GODDAMN MORNING! So I did what anyone would do, I closed my eyes, arched my back, moaned and successfully resisted the urge to say, “I’ll have what she’s having!” He pops his cork and I get my 40 winks, LIKE A PRO.

Why didn’t I just stop and tell the guy this wasn’t working? Answer: because that’s kinda scary! What if he got mad, or turned off, or never called me again, or all those things? Am I ruining everything my fore-parents fought for? Am I sacrificing a real human interaction for a polite one? Am I being PORTLAND PASSIVE in the worst context?

Look, I’m not proud. I know I’m setting unrealistic expectations for the dude. Plenty of Jezebel journalists have drawn lines in the sand re: orgasm faking, and they all make excellent points. You scream your head off, and then having experienced success, the dude or lady thinks “Wow! I sure am good at sex.” Then they go about their life, disappointing everyone they have the honor of bedding. Later the dude or lady thinks, “Geez what’s going on? ‘The left-handed tickler’ worked so well with _____, why isn’t this trick screaming to their deity of choice right now?“

If I inflate someone’s sexual ego, indirectly writing checks that his dick can’t cash… how is that my fucking problem?! Okay, you’re right, it takes a village to teach a guy how to fuck—but I’m no saint. Sometimes you have to take care of yourself and a faked orgasm is a white lie. It’s not really going to hurt anything. UNLESS YOU GET INTO A REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS PERSON (more on that later).

We’re all looking for language, for etiquette, for guidelines about how to do this whole dating “thing.” You want permission to fake an orgasm with someone? Someone who you aren’t in a relationship with, who you only are casually fucking because it’s Sunday night and there are no more episodes of Mad Men. If you need permission, you got it, friendo!

But not if you’re in love. Because lying to your partner is lame. And more than one white lie is a real lie. Lies between you and your partner are really going to screw things up for your orgasms down the line… And intimacy and stuff.

In lieu of faking orgasms, learning how to fake orgasms, and debating the merits of faking it, we should REALLY be focusing on figuring out what gets us off, how to communicate that to our sexual partners and if the “getting-off” part is as important as we think? Have you guys made out with someone in the shower lately? DO IT!

Wishing you authentic orgasms and honest communication,
@Bri Pruett

Let Do It with Bri Pruett: How to Pick a Sex Playlist

(Originally published on The Portland Mercury’s Blogtown, PDX on April 24th, 2015: http://www.portlandmercury.com/BlogtownPDX/archives/2015/04/24/lets-do-it-with-bri-pruett-how-to-pick-a-sex-playlist)

Look, no one likes Kelly Rowland (not even her parents)—but she did make one contribution to the pop cultural zeitgeist. That contribution is the 3:59 long R&B opus“Motivation” that more folks have banged to than the entire Luther Vandross catalog. “Go lover, don’t you dare slow down…” Thanks Kelly.

There are a trove of artists that cater to grown folks business. Artists like Marvin Gaye, Prince, Sade. They make it easy on the rest of us; no bedroom DJing required. Put em’ on and let em’ roll, confidant those artists will cradle us in their velvety tones all the way to the sex bank.

There are folks who told me they don’t go sexin’ with a soundtrack, which totally surprised me, but then, I don’t do much without mah beats. I suppose it is a little juvenile: “Hang on honey, before we get to fuckin’, I needs to cue up MY FAVORITE TUUUNES MAAAAN!” Maybe because most of the sex I’ve had is in proximity to a roommate with paper-thin apartment walls, I’ve always had a playlist.

Like with any foreplay action, you are setting a tone for the kind of sex you’re going to have. If you’re trying to get something sweet and tender, try Bon Iver. If you’re trying to do something sexy and sweaty, stick to R&B like Miguel. Something dirty and slightly kinkier, something with a darker, more-electronic vibe, try The Weeknd or Massive Attack. If you’re having kinky-as-hell, raw, nightmare sex… you probably already have the details of your scene all picked out, from the spreader bar to the German industrial playlist.

Generally it’s up to the host to pick the tunes and have an appropriate bedroom sound system. A laptop with no speakers will not get you laid—nor will a free Pandora station. If you are broke, try 8tracks.com or Songza, services that let’s you make and listen to mixed tapes. Better yet, you can enter in your mood/activity/artist and it’ll let tapes roll that share that tag. (Example: “sex” “chill”)

Bedroom jams can backfire horribly from time to time. You don’t want a mix to be so on point that your lover pauses between strokes to yell “THAT’S MY JAM!” Instant boner killer. Sometimes song lyrics can evoke powerful memories. You don’t want to pick songs that evoke a vivid memory, like of an ex-partner. An easy fix is choosing instrumentals. A friend recommended French hip hop; unless your lover is bilingual, the focus will be on your derriere.

Maybe you are a total square like me, you don’t have a ton of time to make mixed tapes and you’ve been recycling the same busted-ass playlist like you’re a sound engineer fromGuardians of the Galaxy (that soundtrack was hack, deal with it). That’s why I enlisted some local music aficionados to, ahem, fill the gap.

Ladies and gentlemen, after the jump, your new sex tape:

Bobby DSex Life DJ’s, Nightschool on XRAY.FM

De-De – S&M (Sexy Music) (Rated X)

Dam-Funk – I Like Your Big Azz (Girl)

K-Maxx – Cupcakin’

Psychic Mirrors – Midnight Special

Love Cryme – Get It On
Hutch HarrisThe Thermals

Diiv – “(Druun)”

Chastity Belt – “Black Sail”

Young Prisms – “To Touch You”

The Blow – “A Kiss”

Barry White – “Love Serenade”
Deena BeeThe Soundbox on KBOO, Dear Mama

DeAngelo – Dreaming eyes of mine

Tokimonsta w/ Anderson Paak – Realla

The Coup – I Just Wanna Lay Around All Day in Bed With You

The Dream – Turnt Out

SHLOHMO ft Jeremih ft – Lil Bo Peep (Do U Right)
Ned LannamannMusic Editor, Portland Mercury

Prince – “I Wanna Be Your Lover” or “Do Me, Baby”

Aphex Twin – Selected Ambient Works 85-92 (any track will do)

ABBA – “Eagle”

Marvin Gaye – “I Want You”

Neu! – “Weissensee”
and ya girl… Bri Pruett

Ne-YO – Lazy Love

Usher – Climax

Miguel – Pussy is mine

Big K.R.I.T.- Third Eye

Jhene Aiko – pretty much anything
Wishing you melodsex and great love,
@BriPruett

Sex Survey Results 2014!

Originally published, November 5th, 2014 in the Portland Mercury

WOW PORTLAND, so many of you took this year’s Mercury Sex Survey! THANK YOU! I wonder how many of you completed it pants-less? (We gotta put that on next year’s survey!) For those just joining us, two weeks ago I wrote the roughly 50 questions that made up the 2014 Mercury Sex Survey. In response, a whopping 3,100 Portlanders (twice as many as last time) turned down the lights, pumped the Marvin Gaye, and sexily examined your inner-deviant. [Note: Some of you answered all the questions, but some of you couldn’t be bothered—so that’s why some of the results may not equal 100%, math-nerds.] Now for the monumental task of decoding these fat stacks of survey results. I aim to scientifically answer these questions: Who are you, Portland? And who you fuckin’? LET’S GET INTO IT.


WHO ARE YOU?

You are mostly 26 to 35 years old—gee, I’m so shocked. One percent of you are 66 to 75 years old, probably because my parents are VERY supportive. 50% of you are ladies, and less than 50% dudes, while 2% of you would like us to stop asking about yer gender. (Message received, homies).

For a city that’s been accused of being promiscuous, being a temporary home to tons of bands rolling through between Eugene and Seattle, and attracting young ballers looking to make a killing in the real estate game—a whopping 63% of you are married or are co-habitating. DAYUM, Portland, y’all are inrelationships. NO WONDER I HAVEN’T MET ANYONE! (That makes me feel much better about my cold, empty bed. What a great, life-affirming sex survey this is!)

You sexually minded folks are hella educated. Most (40%) of you have bachelor’s degrees, while about 200 of you learned everything you know from “the streets.” (Hey man, the streets don’t lie.)

In the survey, I asked you about your jobs… mostly just to be polite, also so you don’t feel like our relationship is just about sex (sometimes you have to nod and smile supportively while the person you’re banging goes on and on about their jerky boss). 7% of you work for the government, and coincidentally, government workers are most likely to jerk off daily! (No wonder those lines at the post office are so long! They’re licking their own stamp… if you get my meaning.)

67% of you identify as heterosexual. ONLY 5% are old-fashioned gay folks, which means that a lot of folks are identifying as newfangled queers! 14% of you are bi, and 4% of you are pansexual. And because I had to look it up, you might need this definition of “pansexual”: sexually attracted to all the genders, without acknowledging a gender binary. Basically it seems increasingly popular not to bring this subject into the bedroom. Fuck first, ask about pronouns later, right? PORTLAND, you transformed the Kinsey Scale from a line into a polydodecahedron… and I love you for it!

By the way, 1% of you identify as asexual, and that’s cool too. Thanks for taking this survey. I hope it doesn’t gross you out too much. Hopefully knowing how the other 99% lives will help you figure out what’s going on with your non-asexual friends, and maybe even Mulder and Scully.

Let’s talk for a moment about the much-made-of “Poly People.” The poly community really stepped up to take this sex survey, as 42% of you identified as something other than monogamous (as in either polyamorous, monogamish, or polyamorous-ish). That seems like a lot! Like if I went out on 100 first dates (which was actually in the ballpark this past summer), 42 of those guys could be like, “This was really great, you’re really special… you remind me of my wife.” Geez, Portland, you are killing it with being Portland-y right now


HOW INTO SEX ARE YOU?

The people having the most sex are those who are living together, but aren’t married(18% say they have sex two or more times a week). It’s amazing how a childless, nuptial-free apartment can really set the mood.

Who’s having daily sex? 6% of you say you bang every day. People who fuck two or more times a week represent the biggest piece of the pie at 35% (single, living together = 18%, married = 9%, single = 4%). There was also a good showing for people who hit it once a week (14%), while 18% of folks get wet three times a month. 10% of you bang once a month, 8% of you bang a couple of times a year. 6% of you aren’t getting any at all, and since only 1% of you are asexual… I’m sad now.

As far as sexual history, 19% of you have banged five or fewer people, and 17% of you have banged 31 or more people. And yet, here we all are, living in the same city together, taking the same sex survey. Beautiful. Good thing to remember, because say you just started dating someone and you can’t understand why they aren’t making moves to get in your pants… perhaps they’re part of the 19% percent, and trying to keep their numbers down. Maybe you’re confused because you’re part of the 17%; you’re a big bag of come-covered Friday nights, and it’s highly likely misunderstandings could run amok. It’s tough to ask someone about their sexual experience in an era when both slut-shaming and chaste-shaming are rampant! Just goes to show you can’t really make assumptions in relationships. Experiences vary so wildly, even in Portland!


JERKIN’ OFF

I got some feedback about our survey’s masturbation questions, saying I was gearing them toward men. “Hey Bri, don’t you think broads masturbate?” Actually, yeah, I do! I believe ladies all over the world are dimming the lights, putting on some D’Angelo, and jerking their bits to climax right now! Women jerk, too. So maybe can we just cool it with gendering all the verbs? Ugh. So much gendering, so little time! ANYWAY. Back to jerkin’ it. As for treating your body like an amusement park, how much are you doing it?

On the whole, some of you jerk off a lot. If I exercised as much as you jerk off, I’d be a college football cheerleader (or a college football player, for that matter). 8% of you jerk it 9 to 15 times a week… but y’know what? I’m proud of you. You have a loving relationship with your body. I sincerely, if maybe over-optimistically, hope you weren’t crying during some of those self-love sessions—AKA a “sob job.” Just a tip for you compulsive self-flagellators: Change it up from time to time. If you treat your dick/clit like Pavlov’s dog, your next partner might not know to ring the bell. I’m not saying don’t jerk off, I’m saying switch it up. If you always watch porn, maybe try using your imagination once a week. Instead of your hand, use a fun toy, or try a different hole… live your life! Okay, I think I’ve made my point.

Speaking of speculating on jerking off: Did you know that 20% of boys don’t use lube when they are shooting solo? But WHY? Isn’t it better all wet and messy? How are you going to piston the engine block with no OIL? Wait… what am I saying? See, when you make assumptions about how other people jerk off, you make an ass out of “u” and me—especially when your go-to Valentine’s Day gift is a giant bottle of Jergens. It’s such a cliché… the guilty male masturbator, pumping a hot wad of Lubriderm into his palm; like the mighty gymnast clapping chalk, or the mighty professional bowler drying his hands and donning fingerless gloves. Wet, dry, chalky… do it the way you want. You’re all champions, is what I’m saying.

Isn’t this demystification fun? Okay, so what else? 53% of you watch porn and it’s a pretty close split between ladies (22%) and dudes (31%). Not many of you had opinions about porn websites—which is a shame because I really wanted some new suggestions. There isn’t really an online pornography gold standard yet. (Where you at, Google?) Besides the options provided: YouPorn, XTube, and RedTube, your write-in jerk-spirations were: 4tube, Bing video search, erotic fiction, Extremetube, FetLife, xHamster, Motherless, NudeVista, PornHub, Reddit subreddits, RedTube, Chaturbate, Spankwire, Tumblr porn, X-Art, XVideos.

31% of you like to do it the old-fashioned way with DVDs. 6% still have VHS porn tapes and players, and enjoy the antiquated pleasure of watching pornography in high-speed reverse to the beginning, before Ginger invited her boyfriend over to her babysitting gig to “study,” and before Mr. and Mrs. Johnson came home early! Whoopsy!

(BTW, 17% of you said you watch porn on Thomas Edison’s Kinetoscope—and frankly that’s 17% more snarky goofballs than I thought would be taking this survey. You wise-ass knuckleheads, I bet you took the survey pants-less, too.)

Okay, REAL TALK: 47% of you said you’d like to act out your favorite type of porn IN REAL LIFE. Challenge to you: (1) Tell your partner/lover/just a good friend about your “thing.” And do it like this: “Can I tell you something that turns me on in theory that I’d maybe like to try in real life, without you making me feel shitty about it? Really, I can?! You’re a good friend. I’ve always wanted to do _______ .” (2) Put it on your sex-bucket list in the “maybe” column. (3) Just wait for “the secret” to kick in. (4) Profit.


BEFORE IT GOES DOWN

Those of you using sex toys are buying them on the internet (20%), or keeping it local at She Bop (16%) or keeping it corporate at Fantasy (9%), while 6% of you got your toys from your lover and you aren’t sure where they buy their stuff, because you enjoy mysteries? 2% of you are DIY as fuck, buying things at the grocery/hardware store to put up and around your butt. Martha would be proud (that’s Ms. Stewart, if you’re nasty).

Okay, I’m going to drop some knowledge on you right now. 11% OF YOU AREN’T GETTING TESTED FOR STDS… AT ALL, AS IN NEVER! And only 3% of you who have never been tested are married and monogamous, so some of you need to take some personal responsibility and GET TESTED. You go to Planned Parenthood, you plunk down the 150 or so bucks (sometimes they run a $100 flat-rate screening), or you get a cheap screening from the Oregon Department of Health. OR you use your fancy insurance and look your doctor in the eye while you ask for a full STD screening. DO IT: for a clean conscience and clean genitals.

Do you ever wonder where all the ANAL SEX IS HAPPENING IN PORTLAND? Why… IN NORTH PORTLAND! You are fucking more butts than any other borough (at 16%), which means we’ll have to start calling you “Sauvie Brown Eye-land.” Instead of St. Johns, “Taint’s John’s” (as in “John owns your taint”—hey, puns are hard sometimes). Southeast, you came in second place at 14%. (Good job, Division-between-the-cheeks.) And Northeast, you placed third at 8%. (Solid showing IRVING-BUM, and Sullivan’s Gulch… already sounds like it’s about butts.) Not a lot of butt stuff happening on the Westside. (Loosen up, Westside, it only hurts for a second.)

Fun fact: 4% of you are not using lube with anal sex. Really? I can’t even with you right now.

28% of you meet people to fuck through your friends, 20% of you meet people to fuck online, and 13% of you just meet people randomly. Oh, you free-spirited Portland, you just fall into genitals like open manhole covers! (Ha, man hole.) Here are some of the write-in examples of unexpected places you’ve boned: 24 Hour Fitness, a baby shower, a car accident, a D&D campaign, a funeral, a Timbers game, Ben & Jerry’s, Chopsticks II, Circle K, Enchanted Forest, Home Depot, “my kid’s school” (with his teacher), the pumpkin patch,Ren Faire, and the downtown library. (So apparently I need to kick it at Circle K more. Message received, INTERNET.)

OkCupid is the most popular online place to meet potential fuck puppets at 23%. Tinder(10%) and Craigslist (6%) are also hot spots. Other sites also see quite a bit of action—PlentyOfFish, Match.com, eHarmony, and the like—but my guess is these sites were always more geared toward relationships. You fornicators are savvy.

All right, so you’ve met the person, and you’re ready do some freaking. 30% of you reach for a condom, 18% of you are like, “I’m just using my IUD,” while 15% pop the pill before you pop that pussy. (Glad to see the IUDs are on the rise… not to show journalistic bias, but I love IUDs! Ask about them RIGHT AFTER YOUR STD SCREENING. Am I being clear about that? Go get screened. Right now.)

One-third of you don’t have a fuck buddy, while a little over one-third of you DO have a fuck buddy. Meanwhile, 12% of you want a fuck buddy—and some of you didn’t answer this question. Probably because you took this quiz WITH your fuck buddy, and it was awkward.

And most of you are more long-term oriented when it comes to your sexual relationships.22% of you keep your bang buddies for years, 22% of you have had your sexual partnership for a year, and 22% of you have an average sexual relationship of about a month. Only 7% of you usually stick to one-night-stands, and 2% of you fuck and run after an hour. Where’s the fire?

10% of you have made the decision to get an abortion. Big hugs, my courageous, dear friends. 10% of you have paid for an abortion, and some of you foot your own bill. 20% of you have been tangled up in an accidental pregnancy. Don’t worry, it worked out for your parents.

My favorite moment of this survey came from the last question… “Has a one-night stand ever become a longer relationship?” One of our stock answers was, “No way, relationships = death.” AND NO ONE PICKED THAT OPTION. You’re into ongoing relationships, Portland… I can tell. Those relationships are casual, sexual, unorthodox, or involve multiple people, but they are connections and you OWN IT. Hope you continue to make lovely connections and keep each other coming and smiling throughout what will undoubtedly be a long, dark, wet, sexy, cuddly winter.


And keep reading my semi-regular column (“Let’s Do It by Bri Pruett”) on Blogtown!

Wishing you great love and good sex,

Bri Pruett

How to Suck a Dick – Part 2

[Don’t forget to read How to Suck a Dick—Part 1! – eds]

I missed you. So where were we?

 

1. You fell in love with a charming penis, you’veweighed the risks, and it’s going in your mouth.

2. You put your body where it needs to be. He’s happy and you’re happy.

3. You teased it, with your awesome, wet, mouth for an appropriate amount of time.

Now is the golden moment…

4. Suck that dick.

You’ve got a mountain in front of you. How are you going to climb it?

Sex is interactive, so I can’t give you a manual to the dick in front of you like it was a ’67 Chevy. Take it out of the garage and listen to that thing purrr; then get a feel for it and take it through the curves. Every mechanic thinks they are the boss and every cocksucker has their own moves, techniques, and calling cards. I knew a girl who wrapped a strand of her hair under the dude’s foreskin for him to find later. Get together and ask your friends, sisters, Rabbis, and friendly neighborhood sex workers. They’ll have a story or two from the front lines.

In the meantime, here are a few strategies from your big sister Bri:

Tuck your teeth back.

Find a rhythm, then break the rhythm. Do the same motion over and over (y’know, like during intercourse) then when you can tell he’s realllly into it, swerve. Pick a different rhythm. Pay attention to the reaction you get, then pick the rhythm that makes your dude writhe.

Here’s a tip you can have for free: Most guys like to watch. Turn on a light, or tell him to. Work your hair and look him in the eye. Badda boom. Really turns up the drama on the whole thing. Pull out the stops! This is not a dress rehearsal, this is the big night!

He should be REAL hard at this point. A lot of pressure is coming down on this sweet penis.Veins might be popping out. Now is a good time to play with sexy tension and change the rhythm to slow it down, bringing him back from the edge of the void.

A hard penis is like a good roux*, you can do a lot of things with it. Make it into a white sauce, make gumbo, or add cheese and macaroni and bake at 400 degrees for an hour**. Blowjob foreplay can lead to lots of different things—maybe some of you guys have seen porn before? Also, by slowing down and changing gears, you’re teaching the man attached to this lucky penis a valuable lesson about endurance. Remember, plenty of dudes can’t cum from oral sex… I’ve heard. Follow his lead, towards the finish line or on to another sexy adventure.

But there are also your textbook blow jobs. An act of precision and beauty in an uncertain world. On occasion, it’s nice to end the thing like you started it. So let’s cut the bullshit and make the gravy.***

5. Bring it home

Committing to those aforementioned rhythmic intervals are going to push you toward the end of the second act, so now might be a good time to decide where this guy’s gonna cum.

Honestly, It’s basically your decision since you’re the one driving the damn thing. You could ask him, but if he says something you aren’t into and you have to say “no,” that’s a real buzzkill right there. Offer a suggestion or just pull the trigger; he’s gonna be stoked no matter what, believe me. Ejaculation is a lot like real estate: Location, location, location. The way I see it, you have 3 options: onto you, around you, or into you. Pick one, then commit. Don’t get scared at the last second or someone might get hurt.

Taking it in the mouth is a perfectly reasonable way to take care of the whole jizz situation. Keep track of those sperms and either destroy them in the acidic depths of your belly, or spit them out, bag ’em and tag ’em. Any other targets might create a splash zone on your luxury bed linens, the bus stop enclosure, or whatever kinked-out scene you’re making.

He might give you a head’s up when the countdown has begun, but you can feel it out too. There will be throbbing, so look alive. All the air will leave the room, like when the wick of an explosive is lit. Zoom in to his crossed eyes, body spasm, silent spurts, followed by the sounds of release! GENTLY, GENTLY help him finish while he stares into the abyss of his little death.

Big question, SPIT OR SWALLOW? In or out? Ugh, why so binary, you sex robots?! I don’t care, and believe me he doesn’t either. If he has a preference and he didn’t tell you before hand, well, that’ll be a fun talk for next time. I feel like swallowing is the industry standard, but don’t be afraid of spitting, you sensitive flowers. A risky spit take could be a move for the bathroom but you run the risk of running into your roommate who really wants to talk about the cable bill. Be honest with yourselves, spitters! Be prepared and keep a LINED garbage can nearby and tissues in your sex kit. Oh good, you remembered your sex kit! I’m proud of you!

Swallowing is self-explanatory. Grab a swig of water, dab the corner of your mouth with your grandmother’s handkerchief and relax. You earned it. Now give your dude a kiss, go on, it’ll be good for him.

Author’s Note: When I was younger and less experienced, I found a startling trend among my lovers of aggressively pressing down on the back of my head while I was administering oral. I sought guidance from an older friend, “I don’t know what to do, when he holds my head down, I gag and it feels like I’m going to throw up!” Her advice? “If he won’t stop, just throw up.” HEAR THIS, BLOWJOB RECIPIENTS: non-consensual deepthroating is a real bummer. Girls who can do it and like to do it and WANT TO DO IT will let you know; they’re probably pretty proud and ready to show off. Don’t block someone’s airway against their will because you think she might like it a little rough. Roger that?

There, I told you I’d tell you how to finish! Bri Pruett finishes what she starts.

Wishing you great love and blowjob dreams,

@BriPruett

*I’m looking forward to receiving my Pulitzer in Journalism for comparing sex and food for the first time.

**If I seriously don’t get any marriage proposals after proving that I am both good at blowing dudes and making baked pasta dishes…

***#sorrynotsorry

Let’s Do it with Bri Pruett: How to Suck a Dick!

Originally published here on the Portland Mercury Blogtown, April 28th, 2014

Let’s Do it with Bri Pruett: How to Suck a Dick

A few friends have seen my stand-up comedy joke sets, and commented, “dang Bri! Now that we’ve seen your jokes, we KNOW you give head!”

OF COURSE I give head, I’m looking for a PARTNER.

Blame changing social norms, blame pornography—point is, the dating game has CHANGED. Blowjobs are part of the dating milieu. Who knows what will be on the table 100 years from now? Anal? Rim jobs? Maybe at the end of the first date a shy couple will stand on a front porch and instead of a cheek kiss, they’ll bang through a hole in a furry costume! I don’t know much about the future, but I do know a thing or two about sucking a dick.

So strap in, it’s going down!

HOW TO SUCK A DICK

1. You gotta really want to suck that dick

A half-assed blowjob isn’t good for ANYONE. Sometimes “liking” a dude is NOT ENOUGH. Sometimes you gotta have your own romance with that dick. Is the dick approachable? Attractive? Do it smell good? Is it intimidating? Ask yourself: Do I want to get involved with that dick?

Check it out before you commit to anything. If it’s your first time with this dude, feel him up a bit first, over the clothes while you’re making out. Examine it up close if you need to. Remember, just because you pulled it out doesn’t mean you HAVE to suck that thing.

I can already feel your protests filling my inbox like it’s a warm mouth: DON’T TEACH FOLKS TO BE COCK TEASES, BRI! I know, I know, you’re worried about the much-discussed blue balls. But I’m thinking of the “greater blowjob good.” People didn’t start appreciating wine until they started putting some in their mouths and spitting it out again.

And why are you so worried about blue balls? There are plenty of sex acts that don’t end in a big jizzy orgasm, so cool your jets and enjoy all that life has to offer! Porn and NASA rocket launches have taught you to always be working toward one ENORMOUS THROBBING CUM FACIAL, and you just gotta let that go. When you do, it’ll lead to some deeply satisfying sex—and you won’t always be racing to the finish line.

No one should be giving blowjobs because they feel like they’re obligated to… Maybe it’s the 3rd date, or maybe you’re married and this is the only dick in your world right now. There are a lot of other good reasons to suck a dick! Because you want to, because it turns you on, because you like being in control, because you like the noises he makes, because you like being responsible for those noises, because you like the way it feels in your mouth, because you like the way he looks at you while you do it… When you are in the mood, it’ll be a better blowjob.

2. First Contact

You’ve made up your mind. This dude is getting brain, YOUR brain, all over the tip of his dick (it isn’t such a cute expression on the other side of the verse is it KANYE?). So now you’ve got to get your mouth all on it.
Is he un-circumsized? Pull back the skin down and taut, very important. Most of the nerves in the penis are at the tip, and under side (aka the dark side).

PRO TIP: Maybe you’re nervous, or you been smoking pot—either way, that dry mouth is NOT gonna work. Keep a glass of water on your night stand or an emergency bottle of water in your sex kit. You don’t have a sex kit? Why not, what happened to it? Ugh, do you even WANT to get better at this?

There’s a rhythm to sucking dick, and it starts slowly. Pace yourself. Don’t slam it down your throat right away (if ever). I like to mark my territory first, gently make my presence known with a warm tongue on the underside of the dong in question. When everything is wet, it’s more sensitive.

With all sexy business, anticipation is a tenuous thread. Wait too long, and the anticipation fades to impatience. The boy you are working on will tell you with noises (and maybe words) when to move on to more rhythmic contact.

2a. Position

OH I FORGOT! How are you even put together? On your knees, while he’s sitting or standing? Are you both lying on your side? OR is he lying on his back, while you get into what the yogi’s would call “modified child’s pose.” (gross… awful… terrible)

In any case, being higher than him, and having the greatest range of motion is going to give you more torque. Meaning that you shouldn’t be reaching to suck his dick, like a baby giraffe stretching his tongue to eat from the cock tree on the dusty savannah.

Be comfortable. If your knees give you trouble, don’t do it that way. If your hips give you trouble, it’s gonna be tricky to have your ass up in the air. OH speaking of asses! If he’s in love with yours, make sure he has access to it, if you’re into that kind of thing. Or maybe he worships your tits. You know this dude (or maybe you don’t, no judgements!) there are lots of little things to make this a memorable blow job. Roll out the red carpet! Life is short!

Author’s Note: I’d be remiss if I did not mention the cheapest dinner-for-two in town, “69.” So named for the percentage of the time it fails to get its participants off. Still, the supporters of 69-ing are numerous and may they have simultaneous oral experiences for all their days! I personally cannot concentrate on giving a blow job while sitting on someone’s face. If you take pride in a blowjob, if you are wanting to give your requiem performance, skip the 69.

On that note, the rest of the messy details to follow—tune in next time and I’ll tell you how to DISMOUNT AND FINISH THE JOB!

Wishing you great love and epic blowjobs,
@BriPruett

Booty Texts

It’s 2am and my phone lights up with a message.  It’s a simple message, but the implications are obvious.The subtext of this text: “Hey, would now be a good time for me to come over and have sex?” The actual text reads: “Hey”

 

I know what he means, because this is a person who I have a prescribed relationship with and I know where this ‘Hey” is going.  You don’t make small talk with Santa Claus do you?  You say “Here’s what I want.” As is the subtle beautiful booty text relationship.  My problem with this brief message, is not it’s brevity, or it’s casualness… it’s the lack of imagination.  Sex is a beautiful, carnal, physical exchange and we’ve become so embarrassed and ashamed of our sexuality we are losing the language to talk about it.

 

I surveyed a small group of hetero lady friends (as the hetero males seem to be the number one unimaginative Booty Call perpetrators) about their worst Booty Text.  Here are the worst and/or most frequent texts in pursuit of booty.

 

“How about a little hump day fun?” -sent on a wednesday (ugh)

“When can I cum eat ur pussy”

“Hey, Missed me?;)”

“Happy Hour?” -sent at 2am

“excuse me, is your bed taken?”

“You up?”

“You free?”

“You around?”

“Hey.”

“Hey Hey”

“Hi there”

 

When I really want to get down don’t make me say ‘no’ just to invalidate your dumb ass ideas of what sexy is.  It’s not fair!  A good booty text is pretty simple:  Be vulnerable!  Be bold! Be playful and funny! To inspire your brief lusty shouts into the void, I’ve enlisted some local writers, comedians, and pro-tweeters…

 

“WebMD says my junk might be broken forever. Can I get a second opinion?” @Alex_Falcone

 

“Come over and be the little spoon while we watch that Disney version of Robin Hood with those hot foxes.” @RorynotRoy

 

“We’ve got tonight, who needs tomorrow. And I promise not to cry afterwards this time.” Tommy Gaffney

 

“I think my dick needs some ‘you’ time.'” @WalkerNicolas

 

“I want to do that thing you said we could do when my ankle healed. Also, I bought the “item.” “ @Jason_Rouse

 

“I’m not tryna fuck, but if that what has to happen for us to spoon together all night, then you could probably convince me.” – @Curtis_Cook

 

And if that wasn’t enough to get your lover’s engine going try this… “I’ll buy breakfast” @bripruett

 

Wishing you great love and good sex,

Bri