Let’s Do It with Bri Pruett: Just Date!

Published on Oct.17th, 2014 in The Portland Mercury Blogtown, USA

SAMPLE PRE-DATE CONVERSATION:

“I’m so excited to hang out with you. Let’s hang out really soon.”

Right, yeah, let’s do that.

“No I’m just so into you, I just really want to hang out with you, like all the time.”

Good. Yes. Let’s do it.

“I just like you a lot, so I hope you want to hang out with me.”

Cool…. How about tonight?

“I… uh, now’s not a great time, but like I said, I’m really into you.”
What the fuck is going on here? A fascinating, new phenomenon, wherein a supposedly interested party evades a physical meeting. Perhaps it is a person who is more comfortable texting, maybe it is a person with anxiety or agoraphobia? Perhaps it’s good old-fashioned fear of intimacy. Whatever the case, it’s been my experience in dating lately and some of my friends have reported similar experiences in their personal lives and THIS HAS TO STOP.

Here’s the thing about dating or romantic get-togethers of any nature, THEY HAPPEN IN SPACE AND TIME, IN A SHARED REALITY, IN THE WORLD (unless of course you’re Joaquin Phoenix living in a high-waisted, ice cream-colored, future world). “Dates” are dates… like on the calendar. That’s where the word came from. And if you are a modern person you probably don’t have a lot of spare time hanging out on your calendar. If you want to get romantically tangled up with someone you must make a date. Crushing from a distance is cute, but long-distance adoration isn’t going to get you into a satisfying relationship. If you like someone, don’t tell them, show them by spending time with them.

Arranging a date is like any other kind of social engagement. People gotta know when the hell it is and it’s gotta work with everyone’s schedule, but don’t be overwhelmed! You’re producing a little event for 2 people (or more… I support you poly folks!), It shouldn’t be too hard. Let me show you the moves…

Step 1: Set that date

When you ask someone to make a date with you, come at it with a couple of calendar dates in mind (local writer and hustler Caitlin Kunkel wrote this run-down of how to ask someone out for a “networking coffee date”). Present a couple of dates, then you hammer out some details. The more definitive and specific the plans, the more nerds like me will relax; chiller folks will probably benefit from less restictive plans, “meet me at Gold Dust Meridian around 6 to catch the end of happy hour.” I’m traditional in just a few ways, and this is one of them. I think the sexiest thing a boy can say is, “How about dinner tonight? I’ll pick you up at 8.”

Step 2: Choose your own Date-venture!

Ok, you fucking hipster, you think a dinner date is too traditional for you? Then use your big, unappreciated brain and think of something else. A good first date should provide for varied amounts of stimuli. Things should happen. If you go to a movie you aren’t going to talk – unless you two are a real couple of assholes, in which case, you shitheads deserve each other. If you go to a bar/restaurant there may be too much space to talk and not enough stuff happening to talk about. The best dates are a shared activity. RELAX… it doesn’t have to be a cheesy TV thing. I’m not telling you to go wine tasting or make bagels together or something—actually bagel making sounds amazing. My roommate had a boy take her to the rock climbing gym; a cooking project is good, as is something involving retail: Powell’s, a record store, the Goodwill bins. See also: a rock show, karaoke, a stand-up comedy show (please support local stand-up comedy).

I know it might be scary to put yourself out there like this. To put some effort into researching and effectively “producing” the date of your person-of-interest’s dreams. If a big production is freaking you out, consider a mini-date or “part 1,” and if things go your way take it to “part 2.” For example: dinner then pie, or coffee then pie, or rollerskating then sex—see, I went the other way with it (bonus points if you keep the skates on). If one or both of you isn’t feeling the love, you/they can politely decline part 2.

If you’re poor, dating doesn’t have to suck. Try a long bike ride, a long walk, a blunt at the park, watching a stand-up comedy show (seriously, lots of local shows are free, go see comedy), a hike (see also: a long walk), or just a movie at someone’s house. Just let your date know that in this case “movie at my house” isn’t code for sex set to the soundtrack ofJurassic Park. I will say, If you haven’t banged to the colossal arrangements of Mr. John Williams, you are missing out. Just make sure you use a condom; after all, life finds a way.

Just like when you were making the date, have a couple of options in mind. Too many options doesn’t work though, you don’t want to spend your whole date deciding what to do. If you are the “asker” come with 2-3 options: “What sounds better, tapas or hand-made pasta?” Actually THAT is the sexiest thing a boy can say.

Step 3: ROMANCE!

All told, the planning is the easy part; the date itself could be trickier. Fear not! If this person-of-interest is worth your time follow these simple guidelines: be nice, give compliments, be yourself, and if you want to kiss them and you’re pretty certain they want you to, do it! You got this!

Wishing you great love and good sex,

@BriPruett

KGW Talk Box

My comedy buddy Alex Falcone and I went to promote Late Night Action on KGW Live at 7! Reggie Aqui is so polished and cool, and I think we made him laugh, at least twice. I love him! Check out the video!

KGW Talk Box! Alex and Bri talk Late Night Action

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You missed our September addition with all the sweet guests in the picture, but you should come to the next Late Night Action with Alex Falcone at Mississippi Studios, October 27th at 8pm!

My Mark Driscoll Impression

You’ve probably seen something about misogynist ass hat Pastor Mark Driscoll in the news lately. His Mars Hill church has been accused of cult-like shaming behavior and institutional misogyny. Also misappropriating funds…whoops!

 

I thought it might be fun to reframe some things he’s been saying, allegedly, in private. Enjoy me saying dumb stuff! This guy is such a priiiiick!

 

Let’s Do It!: Cuddling Class

Simultaneous orgasms. That’s what athletic sports are missing, in my opinion: Both teams scoring at the same time. Get with it, sports.

I was scoring with my sweet slam-piece one summer afternoon. As we finish and untangle our bodies, I take a deep breath, look over, and dude is LOOKING AT HIS PHONE. My animal-brain took over and I heard myself say “Put down your fucking phone.” It was mortifying. Not because I emoted in front of a dude—I’m entitled to post-coital emotions—but because that voice came from a reptile part of my brain. This guy isn’t mine to boss around. We have an arrangement: We smoke a joint or two, watch something stupid (dude likes American Ninja Warrior almost as much as I do) and then fool around.

I’m not an animal. I’m not having a baby and I don’t need to cling to this guy to be sure he sticks around and provides for me and our cubs. There’s no need to start building a nest; I’m a human with an apartment and an IUD. I probably wouldn’t pick this guy as my baby daddy anyway, he smokes weed and watchesAmerican Ninja Warrior like me. Someone’s gotta listen to classical music and read or this baby is going to be stupid.

Oh animal-brain, you were so useful for propagating our species, putting human beings on the map, but now you’re embarrassing me! Yes, I like a post-coital cuddle, but from my informal poll of my lady, dude, and lady-dude friends, I am in the minority. What am I talking about? Ok, here’s a typical sex timeline…

FOREPLAY (which may or may not involve a TV show obstacle course)

SEX

POST-COITAL CUDDLE – Phase One

CLEAN-UP/BATHROOM TRIP

POST-COITAL CUDDLE – Phase Two

REPEAT (2 or 3 times)

SLEEP

BRUNCH (optional)

“Phase One” is that moment after sex when you transition from sex-beast to civilian. You breath deeply, remember that you’re a human, you’re in your bedroom, and rent’s due. You might not get into a full cuddle position. You might just touch limbs or you might collapse into a fuck pile. It’s a sweaty embrace, not for the prim and proper.

“Clean-up” is where you get rid of the condom, the wrapper, perhaps towel off and, after penetration—aka “p” in the “v’g”—ladies empty their bladder to clear out any debris that got stuck all up in their nethers during said coitus. 100% of ladies I talked to said they do this, so look alive gentlemen and other folks who bang ladies. Don’t bang too far away from a toilet.

“Phase Two” is when you come back together after running those sex errands. That’s when you assume the official cuddle position and dig in. Some ladies I know told me their phase two is 30-60 seconds. Whereas most of my dude friends say they like phase two to run 60-90 seconds. At this point, these folks either decide to go round two, or skip straight to brunch. For special people like me, who don’t mind being sloths for the good part of a Sunday, Phase Two can run 10 minutes to several hours.

Cuddling all really depends on the nature of the hook-up. If you are a burgeoning couple, Phase two might be a great time to marinate in that after-sex hormone soup, building a bond and letting those super squishy feelings blossom. If you are married/partnered/imprisoned (j/k), maybe you feel like the love feelings are self-evident. You know your partner pretty well at this point, their post-coital routine; now they like to eat some oatmeal and read a book. Your partner’s weird.

Say this has been the maiden voyage of you and your new lover’s sexual relationship vessel; shining, still dripping with champagne, complicated rope knots, and a handful of hot sea-men (man, I’m great at metaphors). Both Phases One and Two are going to be fraught with the potentially stormy, intimacy waters. Oh you thought that the intimacy part, was when this person was inside you? Sure that’s part of it, but at least for me, after his dong has kicked up all manner of oxytocin, seratonin, and dopamine, that’s when I think about the person I’m with. Unwanted thoughts present themselves: “Is this THE GUY?” Thanks a lot for the pressure reptile brain.

And remember, Phase Two can be scary for people who’ve been hurt bad. Put in the 30-60 seconds and then feel it out. If your lover nestles into you, closes their eyes, and goes limp, take that as a cue that this is a “cuddler.” You might as well start episode 1 of a netflix series, because this could take a while.

Why cuddle at all? Because intimacy is good for you, to feel more connected to all humans. And when the uber-fear rises in the back of your throat remember, this isn’t the person who hurt you, this person right now, only wants your comfort and peace. This cuddly-act doesn’t mean anything implicitly. You communicate with actions and words and your actions in this context communicate these things, “we shared something, and it felt so good! Thank you for sharing that with me. I want you to feel peace and comfort now. You are safe with me.”

Wishing you long cuddles and good sex,
@BriPruett

 

2 BIG SHOWS Saturday August 23rd!

Great shows this Saturday, August 23rd! First up, this metal, brunch, comedy extravaganza!

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Ressurection: The bruchening is: myself, Amy Miller, Kristine Levine, Dan Weber, Shane Torres, Anthony Lopez, Todd Armstrong, and host Trevor Thorpe, plus special guests. At the gloriously air-conditioned, Doug Fir at 1:30pm – Fight your hangover and join us! DUDES, Bloody Mary included in price of admission! Be there!

Then, sleep off your booze and come here…

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Midnight Ma$$ One Year Anniversary – hosted by the lovely Amy Miller, featuring pretty much everyone, plus music from The Thermals. It is always MONSTER line-up, with always excellent special guests. If you are a fan of Portland Comedy and you haven’t been to this show yet… WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!! COME SEE IT!

Also there’s a private after-party that you can come to if you’re cool. But it’s a secret, so maybe just shake my hand and get to know me after the show. SECRETS!

Hope you can make it, gentle friends!