Let’s Do It!: Cuddling Class

Simultaneous orgasms. That’s what athletic sports are missing, in my opinion: Both teams scoring at the same time. Get with it, sports.

I was scoring with my sweet slam-piece one summer afternoon. As we finish and untangle our bodies, I take a deep breath, look over, and dude is LOOKING AT HIS PHONE. My animal-brain took over and I heard myself say “Put down your fucking phone.” It was mortifying. Not because I emoted in front of a dude—I’m entitled to post-coital emotions—but because that voice came from a reptile part of my brain. This guy isn’t mine to boss around. We have an arrangement: We smoke a joint or two, watch something stupid (dude likes American Ninja Warrior almost as much as I do) and then fool around.

I’m not an animal. I’m not having a baby and I don’t need to cling to this guy to be sure he sticks around and provides for me and our cubs. There’s no need to start building a nest; I’m a human with an apartment and an IUD. I probably wouldn’t pick this guy as my baby daddy anyway, he smokes weed and watchesAmerican Ninja Warrior like me. Someone’s gotta listen to classical music and read or this baby is going to be stupid.

Oh animal-brain, you were so useful for propagating our species, putting human beings on the map, but now you’re embarrassing me! Yes, I like a post-coital cuddle, but from my informal poll of my lady, dude, and lady-dude friends, I am in the minority. What am I talking about? Ok, here’s a typical sex timeline…

FOREPLAY (which may or may not involve a TV show obstacle course)

SEX

POST-COITAL CUDDLE – Phase One

CLEAN-UP/BATHROOM TRIP

POST-COITAL CUDDLE – Phase Two

REPEAT (2 or 3 times)

SLEEP

BRUNCH (optional)

“Phase One” is that moment after sex when you transition from sex-beast to civilian. You breath deeply, remember that you’re a human, you’re in your bedroom, and rent’s due. You might not get into a full cuddle position. You might just touch limbs or you might collapse into a fuck pile. It’s a sweaty embrace, not for the prim and proper.

“Clean-up” is where you get rid of the condom, the wrapper, perhaps towel off and, after penetration—aka “p” in the “v’g”—ladies empty their bladder to clear out any debris that got stuck all up in their nethers during said coitus. 100% of ladies I talked to said they do this, so look alive gentlemen and other folks who bang ladies. Don’t bang too far away from a toilet.

“Phase Two” is when you come back together after running those sex errands. That’s when you assume the official cuddle position and dig in. Some ladies I know told me their phase two is 30-60 seconds. Whereas most of my dude friends say they like phase two to run 60-90 seconds. At this point, these folks either decide to go round two, or skip straight to brunch. For special people like me, who don’t mind being sloths for the good part of a Sunday, Phase Two can run 10 minutes to several hours.

Cuddling all really depends on the nature of the hook-up. If you are a burgeoning couple, Phase two might be a great time to marinate in that after-sex hormone soup, building a bond and letting those super squishy feelings blossom. If you are married/partnered/imprisoned (j/k), maybe you feel like the love feelings are self-evident. You know your partner pretty well at this point, their post-coital routine; now they like to eat some oatmeal and read a book. Your partner’s weird.

Say this has been the maiden voyage of you and your new lover’s sexual relationship vessel; shining, still dripping with champagne, complicated rope knots, and a handful of hot sea-men (man, I’m great at metaphors). Both Phases One and Two are going to be fraught with the potentially stormy, intimacy waters. Oh you thought that the intimacy part, was when this person was inside you? Sure that’s part of it, but at least for me, after his dong has kicked up all manner of oxytocin, seratonin, and dopamine, that’s when I think about the person I’m with. Unwanted thoughts present themselves: “Is this THE GUY?” Thanks a lot for the pressure reptile brain.

And remember, Phase Two can be scary for people who’ve been hurt bad. Put in the 30-60 seconds and then feel it out. If your lover nestles into you, closes their eyes, and goes limp, take that as a cue that this is a “cuddler.” You might as well start episode 1 of a netflix series, because this could take a while.

Why cuddle at all? Because intimacy is good for you, to feel more connected to all humans. And when the uber-fear rises in the back of your throat remember, this isn’t the person who hurt you, this person right now, only wants your comfort and peace. This cuddly-act doesn’t mean anything implicitly. You communicate with actions and words and your actions in this context communicate these things, “we shared something, and it felt so good! Thank you for sharing that with me. I want you to feel peace and comfort now. You are safe with me.”

Wishing you long cuddles and good sex,
@BriPruett

 

2 BIG SHOWS Saturday August 23rd!

Great shows this Saturday, August 23rd! First up, this metal, brunch, comedy extravaganza!

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Ressurection: The bruchening is: myself, Amy Miller, Kristine Levine, Dan Weber, Shane Torres, Anthony Lopez, Todd Armstrong, and host Trevor Thorpe, plus special guests. At the gloriously air-conditioned, Doug Fir at 1:30pm – Fight your hangover and join us! DUDES, Bloody Mary included in price of admission! Be there!

Then, sleep off your booze and come here…

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Midnight Ma$$ One Year Anniversary – hosted by the lovely Amy Miller, featuring pretty much everyone, plus music from The Thermals. It is always MONSTER line-up, with always excellent special guests. If you are a fan of Portland Comedy and you haven’t been to this show yet… WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!! COME SEE IT!

Also there’s a private after-party that you can come to if you’re cool. But it’s a secret, so maybe just shake my hand and get to know me after the show. SECRETS!

Hope you can make it, gentle friends!

Portland Mercury Movie Review: Sex Tape!

**The Mercury asked me to review a movie! And I HATED IT! But I wrote a thing, read it on the blog here… or just y’know read it right NOW…

Okay! So! Sex Tape! Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel meet in college where they have the most boring, awkward, vaginal penetration-only, vanilla sex of all time. Because they don’t use birth control, she gets knocked up, which means she’s stuck with this gawky, pasty-ass ball-and-chain and becomes a stay-at-home-ding-dong. Flash forward to their non-existent, boring sex life as a married couple—’cause, y’know, MARRIAGE = LESS SEX? IS THIS A FRESH PERSPECTIVE? HOW ‘BOUT NOW?!

To spice things up, instead of oral sex, toys, watching porn, roleplaying, or just not having stupid dialogue during sex, they make a—you guessed it—sex tape, and it doesn’t even get leaked onto the internet until 30 minutes into the damn movie. Naturally, due to some iPad-ex-machina, the tape is soon all over town, with the shamed couple running through all kinds of madcap follies as a result, accompanied, for some reason, by the underutilized Rob Corddry and Ellie Kemper.

I won’t spoil the end for you (director Jake Kasdan does a great job of that himself, assisted by the clunky script by Kate Angelo, Jason Segel, and Nicholas Stoller), but I will say that at end of the movie, in the not-so-grand tradition of The Hangover, yes, they finally show the scandalous tape. These idiots were right to be ashamed! I’ve never been less turned on by two healthy, naked people; if you make it this far into the movie, these will be the most underwhelming five minutes of your life. Rock Hudson and his beard made more titillating movies in the ’50s.

Sex Tape is a hackneyed, overlong, poorly constructed film, with a confused message that somehow turns out to be sex-negative. If you lose a bet and have to see it, you’ll at least enjoy a few moments of fun from Jack Black, Artemis Pebdani, Kumail Nanjiani, and Rob Lowe, who, god bless him, is kind enough to just play a version of his character from Parks and Rec.

#NerdNightOut SOLD OUT!

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I LOVE playing with Portland geek songstresses The Doubleclicks, but especially when joined by the touring talents of Sarah Donner, who has a one-woman cover of Les Mis’ “One Day More”!  Last time we played together, she had me on my feet cheering like the musical theater junkie I am.

I’d tell you to join us but we are SOLD OUT! Those #NerdNightOut superfans are super fast with the advanced tickets. I’m told there is a wait list, so if you want to come line-up and camp out at the theater the night before the show, in proper nerd fashion, make sure your “Bri Pruett” CosPlay is ON POINT! Are you going to do “2011 Rockabilly Bri Pruett?” Or “2014 No-Bangs Bri Pruett: The Year of the Maxi-Dress”

I love summer! Hope you are living it up out there friends and fans.

-Bri

 

How to Suck a Dick – Part 2

[Don't forget to read How to Suck a Dick—Part 1! - eds]

I missed you. So where were we?

 

1. You fell in love with a charming penis, you’veweighed the risks, and it’s going in your mouth.

2. You put your body where it needs to be. He’s happy and you’re happy.

3. You teased it, with your awesome, wet, mouth for an appropriate amount of time.

Now is the golden moment…

4. Suck that dick.

You’ve got a mountain in front of you. How are you going to climb it?

Sex is interactive, so I can’t give you a manual to the dick in front of you like it was a ’67 Chevy. Take it out of the garage and listen to that thing purrr; then get a feel for it and take it through the curves. Every mechanic thinks they are the boss and every cocksucker has their own moves, techniques, and calling cards. I knew a girl who wrapped a strand of her hair under the dude’s foreskin for him to find later. Get together and ask your friends, sisters, Rabbis, and friendly neighborhood sex workers. They’ll have a story or two from the front lines.

In the meantime, here are a few strategies from your big sister Bri:

Tuck your teeth back.

Find a rhythm, then break the rhythm. Do the same motion over and over (y’know, like during intercourse) then when you can tell he’s realllly into it, swerve. Pick a different rhythm. Pay attention to the reaction you get, then pick the rhythm that makes your dude writhe.

Here’s a tip you can have for free: Most guys like to watch. Turn on a light, or tell him to. Work your hair and look him in the eye. Badda boom. Really turns up the drama on the whole thing. Pull out the stops! This is not a dress rehearsal, this is the big night!

He should be REAL hard at this point. A lot of pressure is coming down on this sweet penis.Veins might be popping out. Now is a good time to play with sexy tension and change the rhythm to slow it down, bringing him back from the edge of the void.

A hard penis is like a good roux*, you can do a lot of things with it. Make it into a white sauce, make gumbo, or add cheese and macaroni and bake at 400 degrees for an hour**. Blowjob foreplay can lead to lots of different things—maybe some of you guys have seen porn before? Also, by slowing down and changing gears, you’re teaching the man attached to this lucky penis a valuable lesson about endurance. Remember, plenty of dudes can’t cum from oral sex… I’ve heard. Follow his lead, towards the finish line or on to another sexy adventure.

But there are also your textbook blow jobs. An act of precision and beauty in an uncertain world. On occasion, it’s nice to end the thing like you started it. So let’s cut the bullshit and make the gravy.***

5. Bring it home

Committing to those aforementioned rhythmic intervals are going to push you toward the end of the second act, so now might be a good time to decide where this guy’s gonna cum.

Honestly, It’s basically your decision since you’re the one driving the damn thing. You could ask him, but if he says something you aren’t into and you have to say “no,” that’s a real buzzkill right there. Offer a suggestion or just pull the trigger; he’s gonna be stoked no matter what, believe me. Ejaculation is a lot like real estate: Location, location, location. The way I see it, you have 3 options: onto you, around you, or into you. Pick one, then commit. Don’t get scared at the last second or someone might get hurt.

Taking it in the mouth is a perfectly reasonable way to take care of the whole jizz situation. Keep track of those sperms and either destroy them in the acidic depths of your belly, or spit them out, bag ‘em and tag ‘em. Any other targets might create a splash zone on your luxury bed linens, the bus stop enclosure, or whatever kinked-out scene you’re making.

He might give you a head’s up when the countdown has begun, but you can feel it out too. There will be throbbing, so look alive. All the air will leave the room, like when the wick of an explosive is lit. Zoom in to his crossed eyes, body spasm, silent spurts, followed by the sounds of release! GENTLY, GENTLY help him finish while he stares into the abyss of his little death.

Big question, SPIT OR SWALLOW? In or out? Ugh, why so binary, you sex robots?! I don’t care, and believe me he doesn’t either. If he has a preference and he didn’t tell you before hand, well, that’ll be a fun talk for next time. I feel like swallowing is the industry standard, but don’t be afraid of spitting, you sensitive flowers. A risky spit take could be a move for the bathroom but you run the risk of running into your roommate who really wants to talk about the cable bill. Be honest with yourselves, spitters! Be prepared and keep a LINED garbage can nearby and tissues in your sex kit. Oh good, you remembered your sex kit! I’m proud of you!

Swallowing is self-explanatory. Grab a swig of water, dab the corner of your mouth with your grandmother’s handkerchief and relax. You earned it. Now give your dude a kiss, go on, it’ll be good for him.

Author’s Note: When I was younger and less experienced, I found a startling trend among my lovers of aggressively pressing down on the back of my head while I was administering oral. I sought guidance from an older friend, “I don’t know what to do, when he holds my head down, I gag and it feels like I’m going to throw up!” Her advice? “If he won’t stop, just throw up.” HEAR THIS, BLOWJOB RECIPIENTS: non-consensual deepthroating is a real bummer. Girls who can do it and like to do it and WANT TO DO IT will let you know; they’re probably pretty proud and ready to show off. Don’t block someone’s airway against their will because you think she might like it a little rough. Roger that?

There, I told you I’d tell you how to finish! Bri Pruett finishes what she starts.

Wishing you great love and blowjob dreams,

@BriPruett

*I’m looking forward to receiving my Pulitzer in Journalism for comparing sex and food for the first time.

**If I seriously don’t get any marriage proposals after proving that I am both good at blowing dudes and making baked pasta dishes…

***#sorrynotsorry