Let’s Do It w/ Bri Pruett

Illustration by Erika Moen

Illustration by Erika Moen

As the first signs of Back-to-School season rears it’s ugly, crayola head, we know in our bones that YES the nine-months of wet/gray/winter-ish is coming. So,have you thought about your cold-weather relationship yet? Dating is fun in the summer when activities and patios are plentiful. Come autumn, you can harvest your relationship like a ripe tomato and make a rich sauce to sustain you during the cold months. If you are like literally everyone on the planet, you date online to increase your odds of meeting someone. Here are my tips for finding the biggest fish in your pond.com:

1. Talk about your lifestyle
Say I stumbled across a dude online who has dedicated his life to ice fishing. He goes on several ice fishing trips a year, has Marlins mounted all over his house(Marlins aren’t products of cold-water fishing, you say? Shut up nerd, I’m just trying to make a point), and all his friends talk ice fishing 24/7. That would be a real red flag for someone like me; I’m too soft for that life. My point is this: Service industry folks aren’t going to be able to get up and jog with you at 5 am, starving artists aren’t going to be able to afford to travel with you to Antigua, and devoted Christians aren’t going to brunch with you on Sunday… God doesn’t even brunch on Sunday, he waits until Monday when the lines are shorter. Smart, God.

2. Brevity is your friend
For the sake of pure readability, I urge you to keep it brief. No more than 500 words in total for a site like OKCupid or Match.com. If you are going long, cut the details about your personal “history” first. Those are great details to offer in the first couple of messages you write to the person you want to meet with.

3. Ask your friends for help
Everyone needs an editor, and I’m nothing without Wm. Steven Humphrey! Ask your friends to read your profile, for grammar and content. Ask them if it sounds honest, or if you left anything out. Good friends will be honest, mediocre friends will give you some nice fluff about how great your butt looks. Go ahead and brag, you won’t sound like an asshole; you’ll sound like a person who knows they deserve a rad partner.

4. Don’t list “dealbreakers”
We all have boundaries hidden in the deep confines of our soul. However, I’d wager on the journey toward love, you’re more flexible than you think. Through messaging and the first dates, you’ll be able to identify the things that are just NOT going to work for you.

I met my sweet boyfriend online. He wrote pages and pages of OKCupid profile prose, his username referenced a foreign film I liked and I knew immediately he had the gentle soul of an artist. Surprise, I’m into that kind of thing. So I asked him a couple of questions… I didn’t even say hi. He was glad to meet a straight-forward, brass tacks kinda broad. By our third date, we started clearing our schedules to make time for each other, then we got all boo’d up.

It can happen to you too, folks! Next time on Let’s Do it with Bri Pruett: Opening Lines for Online Daters.

Wishing you great love and good sex,
@BriPruett

Let’s Do It with Bri Pruett: How to Get Your Dick Sucked!

Illustration by Erika Moen

Illustration by Erika Moen

One day I wandered into the illustrious Portland MercuryHQ and met a nice man who introduced himself as the web guru. He shook my hand with wonder in his eyes and told me that one of my articles was one of the top 3 most clicked on Mercury website. I was flattered and amazed, and squealed, “WHICH ARTICLE?” The article:“How to Suck a Dick.” Ahhhh yes, I remember that. That was me, all right!Well folks, the web stats have spoken, and I hear your mighty yawps. But it’s just about how one goes about sucking a dick. Today let’s turn the tables and talk about what you can do to insure your dick gets sucked.

HOW TO GET YOUR DICK SUCKED

1. WASH YOUR DICK – This might seem obvious, but you’d be surprised at how many dirty-dicked-boys have asked me for a blowjob. Look I get it, dicks are in a high-traffic area; in close proximity to sweat glands AND a nut sack. Not judging AT ALL. But look, no one’s going to want to get involved with your dick if it’s not ready for the “ball.”

2. GROOM YOUR DICK-AREA Your dick is Justin Timberlake and your balls, pubes and thighs are N’Sync. Make your “breakout artist” look good by grooming the support staff. Trim the pubes, and maaaaybe the hair on your thighs if you are especially hirsute. Are you trying to get someone to suck your balls? SHAVE THEM. Plus it’ll make you swim faster!3. MAKE IT INVITING – You’ve groomed, you’ve cleaned… what more can you possibly do? Get some scents in the game! Leave your Old Spice or Axe Body Spray at home (unless you dab it on with a Q-tip—seriously, just a whisper of musky scents will do). Essential oils can do wonders for a swampy dick. May I suggest lemon verbena, peppermint, or Eucalyptus? “Bri, I don’t want my dick to smell like my grandmother’s bathroom.” DO YOU WANT YOUR DICK SUCKED OR NOT?

4. ASK REAL NICE – Don’t be passive aggressive, don’t drop hints, and for the love of the sweet baby Jesus, DO NOT press his/her head into your crotch. Just ask for what you want like the adult you are. “Hey, would you suck me off?” “Can I get a blowjob, please?” “This all feels amazing, will you go down on me?” OR the slightly more passive, yet still kinda cute: “I’d love to watch you suck my dick.”

5. RECIPROCATE – Maybe this means getting on your knees and giving head. OR maybe it’s doing another selfless act: a back massage, a sexual favor of a different variety, or something he/she has been begging you to do for a while! Buy brunch! Go to the art museum AND the farmer’s market! While none of these things will entitle you to a blowjob,they might grease the wheel a bit.

Let me reiterate: NONE OF THESE THINGS ENTITLES YOU TO A BLOW JOB. Or to put it a different way: no matter how much time and energy and money you spend in the pursuit of a blow job YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO A BLOW JOB.

Receiving oral sex is nice. Being on the receiving end of such intimate attention can makeyou feel like royalty. Sadly, the patriarchal industrial complex has made these blowjobs feel like currency, which is such a turn off to sexy feminists like myself. Think of a blowjob as frosting on the sex cake. Wait, no, as frosting on the sex pie. Like, I didn’t even know this pie could get any better, I mean, what’s frosting even doing up in here, but OMG yum!

Remember what Ghandi said: Give the head that you want to see in the world. Being generous will usually pay off in bed. And if it doesn’t, stop fucking those people.

Wishing you great love and epic blowjobs,
@BriPruett

Merch!

Hey look I got MERCH!!! Totes in Navy with white lettering, a long strap – great for groceries and trips to the library or record store. Big Shout out to the screen printing wizards over at Shirt Nerdery for whipping these up.

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TOTES!

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S/O @MirPropaganda for modeling for me. S/O to @ShirtNerdery for making mah totes!

Totes for real!

You can pick up one of these sharp totes AND you can now get my album, Bri Pruett Live! at Action/Adventure Theater at my bandcamp page.

Thanks for your support everyone! I love you! REALLY!

-Bri

Let’s Do it with Bri Pruett: A Very Special Memorial Day Message About Faking Orgasm

Illustration by Erika Moen

Illustration by Erika Moen

Last summer, I was doing some SERIOUS online dating, but one Sunday night had me twisted.

It was a first date, and it was running long. I thought I’d have drinks, laughs, maybe a quick smooch, and be asleep by 10. Instead our long conversations and nervous flirting took forever to percolate. By the time we realized the chemistry was real and took things back to my place, it was 1:30 and our slow-to-start make out sesh turned irresistible and sexy and sleepy. I wasn’t trying to have sex (it’s the first date and I’m allowed to be traditional), but this was definitely fun and I was getting caught up in this guy. He’s hard as 10 rocks and moaning in desire and frustration, and it breaks me. So I change my mind and give consent, saying: “Okay, let’s get you off.” And he’s like: “But I want you to come.”

So there we are: He’s trying his best… but I’m not that close, and the pressure is mounting, and he’s asking if I’m close, and it’s got to be THREE IN THE GODDAMN MORNING! So I did what anyone would do, I closed my eyes, arched my back, moaned and successfully resisted the urge to say, “I’ll have what she’s having!” He pops his cork and I get my 40 winks, LIKE A PRO.

Why didn’t I just stop and tell the guy this wasn’t working? Answer: because that’s kinda scary! What if he got mad, or turned off, or never called me again, or all those things? Am I ruining everything my fore-parents fought for? Am I sacrificing a real human interaction for a polite one? Am I being PORTLAND PASSIVE in the worst context?

Look, I’m not proud. I know I’m setting unrealistic expectations for the dude. Plenty of Jezebel journalists have drawn lines in the sand re: orgasm faking, and they all make excellent points. You scream your head off, and then having experienced success, the dude or lady thinks “Wow! I sure am good at sex.” Then they go about their life, disappointing everyone they have the honor of bedding. Later the dude or lady thinks, “Geez what’s going on? ‘The left-handed tickler’ worked so well with _____, why isn’t this trick screaming to their deity of choice right now?“

If I inflate someone’s sexual ego, indirectly writing checks that his dick can’t cash… how is that my fucking problem?! Okay, you’re right, it takes a village to teach a guy how to fuck—but I’m no saint. Sometimes you have to take care of yourself and a faked orgasm is a white lie. It’s not really going to hurt anything. UNLESS YOU GET INTO A REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS PERSON (more on that later).

We’re all looking for language, for etiquette, for guidelines about how to do this whole dating “thing.” You want permission to fake an orgasm with someone? Someone who you aren’t in a relationship with, who you only are casually fucking because it’s Sunday night and there are no more episodes of Mad Men. If you need permission, you got it, friendo!

But not if you’re in love. Because lying to your partner is lame. And more than one white lie is a real lie. Lies between you and your partner are really going to screw things up for your orgasms down the line… And intimacy and stuff.

In lieu of faking orgasms, learning how to fake orgasms, and debating the merits of faking it, we should REALLY be focusing on figuring out what gets us off, how to communicate that to our sexual partners and if the “getting-off” part is as important as we think? Have you guys made out with someone in the shower lately? DO IT!

Wishing you authentic orgasms and honest communication,
@Bri Pruett

Splitsider’s UP and COMING 2015!

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Look who’s dumb face is on the front page of Splitsider! This article gives props to the smaller comedy markets like Portland, Denver, Austin; showcasing amazing talent that hasn’t blown up nationally yet (like ya girl!). Follow all these folks, particularly Maggie Maye, Kristin Rand, Chris Cubas and Denver comic: Jordan Doll, who will be coming out for my weekly show, Earthquake Hurricane in July! Small Market Synergy!

Thanks to Splitsider and everyone’s support as I climb closer to those hot, Hollywood lights.

My Bridgetown Schedule!

http://www.bridgetowncomedy.com/performer/10189-bri-pruett

Dear lord I love Bridgetown Comedy Festival. It’s truly an honor to be invited.

PLEASE! COME WATCH ME THIS WEEKEND!

THURSDAY, May 7th – Let’s Do It w/ Bri Pruett

Rotture Lower – 8pm-9:30pm

FRIDAY, May 8th – Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction

Bossanova Ballroom – 11pm -12:30pm

SATURDAY, May 9th – Boogie Down

Boogie’s Burgers – 9:30pm-11pm

SUNDAY, May 10th – Keep Everywhere Weird

My Father’s Place – 7:30-9pm

Earthquake Hurricane in the Portland Monthly

Read about our hot hot show and come check us out before we get more crowded than BRUNCH http://www.portlandmonthlymag.com/arts-and-entertainment/articles/your-roadmap-to-portlands-comedy-scene-may-2015

Published in the Portland Monthly, April 27th, 2015 by Marty Patail

On a Wednesday night, 50 people squeeze into the basement of the Northeast Portland bike shop Velo Cult, a space no bigger than most living rooms. The crowd spills out the door in the back, beyond the bucket of crumpled $5 bills, where two comics hastily arrange to borrow a car to make a near-simultaneous gig across town. On stage, Curtis Cook grills a couple about their sex life, to raucous laughter.

This is Earthquake Hurricane, a weekly comedy showcase hosted by four hot local talents: Cook, Alex Falcone, Anthony Lopez, and Bri Pruett. Just two weeks after this show, a fire code violation forced the foursome to move. The crowds followed. If some art is a delicate flower, this slice of Portland comedy recalls Himalayan blackberry, spreading on a tough patch of soil.

This month, the eighth annual Bridgetown Comedy Festival will flood Portland venues with comics and comedy fans. An invitation to the festival remains a coveted badge of honor among local comics, even as Bridgetown has become more national than local. Of 124 comics performing this year, just 11 live in Portland. (In its first year, a third were locals.) That shift cements Portland as a comedy destination, but it also reflects health: the city’s comedy scene has become an everyday phenomenon, fizzing with the DIY energy and intimacy of events like Earthquake Hurricane. Local comics no longer need to rely on a single annual festival.

“It’s insane,” says Lopez, 27. “When I started out doing comedy six years ago, I could probably name 15, 20 local comics. Now there are so many opportunities.”

“It was sad,” adds Pruett, 31, who recalls awful experiences when the scene revolved around Harvey’s Comedy Club and a open mic at Suki’s, near PSU, notorious for its tough crowds. “We were performing for drunks. It was a dive bar scene.”

Now, the city has pollinated a distinct comedy personality, as a bootstrapping, any-show-anywhere ethos that welcomes diverse new voices. The EastBurn fills up Monday nights for It’s Gonna Be Okay, a feminist-leaning show. Curious Comedy Theater packs its auditorium for Lez Stand Up, a weekly LGBT-friendly show, and Minority Retort, for comedians of color. In Multnomah Village—not typically a nightlife destination—two female comics launched Spilt Milk “to escape housework and children.” Every so often, White Tiger Radio hosts an ultra-hip, 40-seat show in a garage on NE Killingsworth Street. Reversing the medium’s traditional male dominance, women run four of Portland’s top comedy shows.

“People are doing secret things,” says Pruett. “It’s like New York: there will be a show anywhere until the cops shut it down. We’re a real budding scene now that the fire marshal shut down our venue. We’ve made it.”

Not everyone who grabs a mic will be good. But rising tides raise all ships.

“There’s a natural ceiling here,” says Falcone. “If people get too hot, they bubble over and disappear to LA. But each time someone amazing graduates, another person ascends.”

At Earthquake Hurricane, Falcone introduces Shane Torres—one such recent “graduate”—who is back in town from Brooklyn for a week.

“Last year, he was Portland’s funniest comic,” Falcone says with a grin. “Now he’s New York’s twenty-thousandth funniest comic.”

Let Do It with Bri Pruett: How to Pick a Sex Playlist

(Originally published on The Portland Mercury’s Blogtown, PDX on April 24th, 2015: http://www.portlandmercury.com/BlogtownPDX/archives/2015/04/24/lets-do-it-with-bri-pruett-how-to-pick-a-sex-playlist)

Look, no one likes Kelly Rowland (not even her parents)—but she did make one contribution to the pop cultural zeitgeist. That contribution is the 3:59 long R&B opus“Motivation” that more folks have banged to than the entire Luther Vandross catalog. “Go lover, don’t you dare slow down…” Thanks Kelly.

There are a trove of artists that cater to grown folks business. Artists like Marvin Gaye, Prince, Sade. They make it easy on the rest of us; no bedroom DJing required. Put em’ on and let em’ roll, confidant those artists will cradle us in their velvety tones all the way to the sex bank.

There are folks who told me they don’t go sexin’ with a soundtrack, which totally surprised me, but then, I don’t do much without mah beats. I suppose it is a little juvenile: “Hang on honey, before we get to fuckin’, I needs to cue up MY FAVORITE TUUUNES MAAAAN!” Maybe because most of the sex I’ve had is in proximity to a roommate with paper-thin apartment walls, I’ve always had a playlist.

Like with any foreplay action, you are setting a tone for the kind of sex you’re going to have. If you’re trying to get something sweet and tender, try Bon Iver. If you’re trying to do something sexy and sweaty, stick to R&B like Miguel. Something dirty and slightly kinkier, something with a darker, more-electronic vibe, try The Weeknd or Massive Attack. If you’re having kinky-as-hell, raw, nightmare sex… you probably already have the details of your scene all picked out, from the spreader bar to the German industrial playlist.

Generally it’s up to the host to pick the tunes and have an appropriate bedroom sound system. A laptop with no speakers will not get you laid—nor will a free Pandora station. If you are broke, try 8tracks.com or Songza, services that let’s you make and listen to mixed tapes. Better yet, you can enter in your mood/activity/artist and it’ll let tapes roll that share that tag. (Example: “sex” “chill”)

Bedroom jams can backfire horribly from time to time. You don’t want a mix to be so on point that your lover pauses between strokes to yell “THAT’S MY JAM!” Instant boner killer. Sometimes song lyrics can evoke powerful memories. You don’t want to pick songs that evoke a vivid memory, like of an ex-partner. An easy fix is choosing instrumentals. A friend recommended French hip hop; unless your lover is bilingual, the focus will be on your derriere.

Maybe you are a total square like me, you don’t have a ton of time to make mixed tapes and you’ve been recycling the same busted-ass playlist like you’re a sound engineer fromGuardians of the Galaxy (that soundtrack was hack, deal with it). That’s why I enlisted some local music aficionados to, ahem, fill the gap.

Ladies and gentlemen, after the jump, your new sex tape:

Bobby DSex Life DJ’s, Nightschool on XRAY.FM

De-De – S&M (Sexy Music) (Rated X)

Dam-Funk – I Like Your Big Azz (Girl)

K-Maxx – Cupcakin’

Psychic Mirrors – Midnight Special

Love Cryme – Get It On
Hutch HarrisThe Thermals

Diiv – “(Druun)”

Chastity Belt – “Black Sail”

Young Prisms – “To Touch You”

The Blow – “A Kiss”

Barry White – “Love Serenade”
Deena BeeThe Soundbox on KBOO, Dear Mama

DeAngelo – Dreaming eyes of mine

Tokimonsta w/ Anderson Paak – Realla

The Coup – I Just Wanna Lay Around All Day in Bed With You

The Dream – Turnt Out

SHLOHMO ft Jeremih ft – Lil Bo Peep (Do U Right)
Ned LannamannMusic Editor, Portland Mercury

Prince – “I Wanna Be Your Lover” or “Do Me, Baby”

Aphex Twin – Selected Ambient Works 85-92 (any track will do)

ABBA – “Eagle”

Marvin Gaye – “I Want You”

Neu! – “Weissensee”
and ya girl… Bri Pruett

Ne-YO – Lazy Love

Usher – Climax

Miguel – Pussy is mine

Big K.R.I.T.- Third Eye

Jhene Aiko – pretty much anything
Wishing you melodsex and great love,
@BriPruett

Let’s Do it with Bri Pruett: V-day Edition!

LOOK, WE’RE ALL some sort of hipster. Whether your “hipster” is vinyl, French press coffee, or writing Yelp reviews for urban goat farms, I get it, YOU’RE COOL! So before you start rolling your eyes and hollering about how greeting card companies invented Valentine’s Day, hear me out: Just because the maninvented it doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it for yourself. It’s a holiday about LOVE! ARE WE TOO COOL FOR LOVE NOW?

Movies and YM magazine ruined everyone’s expectations of Valentine’s Day—but the good news? Now is the time to rebuild! What if the jaded masses decided it wasn’t just another Black Friday for fancy restaurants and B&Bs!? What if we took it back to honor the relationships that don’t fit into the molds of pricy nights out and 1-800-Flowers?

Whether you’re married, single, vigorously copulating, or totes single, you are SWEET on someone right now—and someone is sweet on you, too. Why don’t you get that person a little something? I’m talking to you ladies, as well. Post-modern Valentine’s Day is not about clueless men wandering around department stores looking for tennis bracelets and perfume! Here are just a few suggestions:

CANDY! Okay, fine, I happen to like Whitman’s Samplers at Rite Aid. But there are also hella options for the locavore foodie types: Alma Chocolate, Missionary Chocolates, and Batch PDX are a few of my favorites. If you and your honey are on the casual (or the down-low) just get something they like. If someone gave me a Milky Way Dark and a Post-It note with “xoxo” on it, I’d swoon forever. Maybe your healthy/diabetic boo would enjoy a bag of Cuties. IT’S RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME, COME ON ALREADY.

JEWELRY! It’s a traditional V-Day gift: a sparkly bauble, so precious and intimate, worn next to the tender skin of your beloved! But you’re poor, right? Me too. Jewelry is probably out of reach for most folks, and even if my fuck buddy could afford it, jewelry makes me feel guilty. Blood diamonds aside, my relationships are not “tennis bracelet” serious. However, $10 in costume jewelry can make the same statement. Or go to Goodwill and pick out a piece that looks like something she already HAS. Of course, you can buy boys jewelry, too. But briefs are a nice way to say: “I think your body is worthy of adornments… especially your junk.” If you want to buy him something shiny, try a tie clip. (Way cooler than archaic cufflinks.)

A TOKEN OF YOUR ADMIRATION! A favorite thing. Think belt buckle, flask, laces for their Timberlands, or batteries for their Xbox controller. Her favorite lip balm, a new water bottle, or journal. Are they a writer? We always want good pens. Don’t let Say Anything ruin giving pens as gifts.

BOOKS! Generally I think books are too void of “bling” to make good V-Day presents. But you know your boo—maybe an X-Men comic or first edition is going to make your special someone all wet. For god’s sake don’t forget to write a note inside the cover. (On a Post-It if you don’t want to drive down the collector’s value… nerds.)

FLOWERS! Red roses are hack, but a dozen is right on the nose if you’re going for an ironic/sincere V-Day. If you aren’t used to buying flowers, here’s a trick: Pick a color she/he likes, go to New Seasons or Sammy’s Flowers and pick one or two stems (the nice person at the counter will make it look so cute). If your honey’s first love is Mother Nature, try a tiny potted succulent. If your love is a cook, a rosemary bush or a sachet of herbs tied with a bow would be perfect.

DRUGS! Nothing crazy, of course. Think a dime bag and a Twix bar. (Not a vial of coke and $100 cash.)

GIFT CARDS? No. This isn’t your nephew’s bar mitzvah. Save the Starbucks card for your boss’ birthday.

COUPONS FOR MASSAGES AND HUGS AND SHIT? NO. I know you’re poor, but you can do better than this.

HOT SAUCE! Yes! Keep it local, like Aardvark and Portland Pepper Sauce Company.

EDIBLE ARRANGEMENTS? Kill yourself.

If the boy I’m sleeping with (yup, just one, I’m all locked up for once!) is reading this, I’d like a tightly rolled joint and some mocha almond bark from Alma Chocolate with one stem of pink spray roses, please!

Fuck the man. I love you, guys.

Wishing you great love and good sex.

@BriPruett