Bri Pruett LIVE at Action/Adventure! It’s my COMEDY ALBUM TAPING!

Bri Pruett LIVE at Action/Adventure! It's my COMEDY ALBUM TAPING!

Lovely flyer design by Heidi Stanley, photograph by Jason Traeger.

This is happening! Get your tickets for the 7:30 PM show here: http://portland.strangertickets.com/events/14840068/bri-pruett-live-at-actionadventure

or 9:30 PM show here:

http://portland.strangertickets.com/events/14842140/bri-pruett-live-at-actionadventure

Let’s Do it with Bri Pruett: Rejection 101

Author’s Note: This is one is dedicated to my exes!

 

Maybe you had a sweet sexy Valentine’s Day romance or maybe you’ve been burning through every dude in your “match list” like Tinder tissues. Sometimes two people work out, but most of the time they don’t. Telling someone that you’re “just not that into them” sucks, but YOU MUST COMMUNICATE, gentle reader. You must be brave and unyielding and sensitive. Here are some ways to give that final kiss-off with respect and style.

First, you thank the gods that someone likes you—say a prayer for that person, because you ain’t all that (the ego check is the most important part of rejecting someone). Then you compose a CLEAR and CONCISE way to let that person down. If you’re just a few dates in, a text message will do. If you’ve been on three or more dates, meet up with them over a cheap drink in an uncrowded bar and say the following:

GENUINE COMPLIMENT (example: “You are really sweet/smart/funny/cute/punctual/symmetrical…”)

“BUT”

SOME VARIATION OF “I’M JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU”:

mila-kunis-and-andy-samberg-breakup-friends-with-benefits.gif

1. I’m not feeling a connection

2. I don’t think it’s a good fit

3. I don’t see this progressing into something more

4. I don’t see a future for us

5. I don’t think we’re compatible

6. We don’t have much in common

7. I can’t picture us together

8. There isn’t a spark between us

9. I’m not feeling any chemistry between us

10. There’s just something missing

11. I don’t see a place for you in my life

12. My friends would eat you alive

13. Our ideologies are too different

14. We’re just too different

15. I’m looking for a partner, not something casual

16. I’m looking for something more casual, not a full-time partner

17. I don’t think you would mesh with my other partners

19. I don’t think we’re sexually compatible

20. I can’t see introducing you to my parents

21. Our lifestyles are too different

22. You wouldn’t be good for me right now

23. I don’t think you’re the right person for me

24. It’s not a good time

25. You’re out of my league

26. Our schedules are too different

27. You intimidate me sexually

“THANKS FOR THE DATE/S”


“GOOD LUCK/TAKE CARE/BE GOOD/PEACE OUT”
(or if you’re the worst: “CHEERS/NAMASTE/COOL BEANS”)

Answer questions if they come up and listen, but don’t offer more information than necessary. Be nice, of course. Politely leave when everything’s been said. And for god sakes, pay for the drinks (pro tip: bring cash.)

There: You just rejected someone. Don’t feel shitty. Hope someone takes that much care when they reject you one day. Everyone’s number comes up some time.

Now, back on that horse.

Wishing you great love and good sex,

@BriPruett

“Which Show Should I See?” Hot Quiz ACTION!

You’ve only got so much time on your precious agenda.  Believe me, I’m a busy gal-on-the-go myself!  Take this quiz to find out which of my shows you should come to this week!

1.  You like comedy. OF COURSE YOU DO!  But when you aren’t supporting the Portland Comedy “scene” you are doing which of the following?

a. Three words: GAME SHOW NETWORK

b. Supporting feminist sketch comedy troupes… obviously.

c. Reading periodicals.  Current events are very important to me.

 

2.  When do you start your evening activities?

a. I come home from work, eat dinner, fold my clothes.  I head out at 8ish, I’m a very reasonable person.

b. If a show starts after 7:30pm, I AIN’T GOIN’!  I GOTTA WORK TOMORROW?  DON’T YOU PEOPLE HAVE JOBS?!

c. Psssht, if it’s the weekend, I’m going hard.  WHENEVER o’clock!

 

3.  Where do you live?

a. Southeast. duh.

b. Southeast.

c. We all live in southeast, it’s where all the stuff happens.

 

RESULTS!

Mostly A’s

Tonight! 3/25 – 8pm – Funhouse Lounge – FREE!!

https://www.facebook.com/events/770215122991082/?ref=br_tf

 

Mostly B’s

Wednesday 3/26 – 7pm (doors at 6:30) – Ford’s Food and Drink – $10

https://www.facebook.com/events/228056950729329/

 

Mostly C’s

Too Wet To Burn Comedy Showcase (and too busy to make a promotional graphic!)

Saturday 3/29 – 8pm – The Press Club

https://www.facebook.com/events/1472109119670802/

 

Portland Monthly’s 4 Hot Comedy Acts

Portland Monthly’s 4 Hot Comedy Acts

Hey look more press!  The Portland Monthly decided to spend some time on local comedy… ain’t that something!  This article manages to plug all my allies like: Action/Adventure Theater, Curious Comedy Theater, and my hometown CLACKAMAS, OR!

 

This attention feels so good!  I solemnly swear, on this empty mineral water bottle that’s been on my desk forever: to work real hard to make everyone laugh; so if you become my fan I’m only going to get better and better.  And when I’m famous you’ll get to be super smug, like original Nirvana fans.

 

Thanks Portland Monthly!  Thanks for the LOOOVE!

Funny is Pretty with Bri Pruett

Funny is Pretty with Bri Pruett

I was interviewed for this great website!  Jackie became interested in the strength of funny women and female comedians; we met for coffee and she did her thing.  I’ve been written about before and this is by far my favorite result.  Jackie was picking up what I was laying down and I’m so grateful she took the time to hear me.  Read it and explore the site!

Let’s Do it!:BFB

A friend of mine, local actor/musician @AchesonAcheson(aka Kyle Acheson), sent me this twitter query: “What’s the deal with those friends? You know, the kind where you have the sex, but you’re still totally just friends?”

Good question! The deal is, when you start having the sex with anyone, you should ask yourself, “What do I want?” Sometimes the answer that rises from your emotion guts is “Love!” or “A Cool Boyfriend/Girlfriend!”, but sometimes what you want from sex is “SEX.” If that is the case: congratulations, you know what you want and you’re doing the right things!

But who should you share this most lovely and intimate of physical exchanges with? A stranger? Maybe. How ‘bout a friend? Hey, that sounds good. That friend had better also want “sex” from sex. If that person (or you) secretly wants “a boyfriend/girlfriend,” not just “sex” from sex, there might be some hurt feelings!

A lot of Portlanders are transplants; you can identify transplants by their band and their use of the phrase “you call this snow?” Transplants usually use their sacred friend group as a surrogate family—so take care when fucking your fake family, you Portland newbies! Communicate well so there’s no cause for hurt feelings and mad drama.

To further avoid mad drama, it might be better to fuck a friend on the outskirts of your friend group. You might be saying to yourself, “What if I blow the hot dude in my fantasy football league and it gets real weird!?” Well, if you’re worried you and your totally hot fantasy football bro can’t have some consensual sex without fumbling the league, or whatever… Why not make a NEW friend outside of your sacred friend group (or the league), hang out with that person like a friend, then start having sex with them? Where do you meet such an open-minded fuck buddy? THERE’S THIS THING CALLED THE INTERNET.

My fuck buddy and I just celebrated our six-month anniversary. Guess how we celebrated?

I am actually loathe to use the term “fuck buddy,” because he’s more than that. I rescued him when his car broke down; he helped me with my sprained ankle. In the summer we hiked, and on warm nights we walked to restaurants. Sometimes he just sleeps in my bed. Feelings are definitely squishy, but he’s not my boyfriend or partner, and he’s not going to meet my mom. He’s my friend and I think he’s great.

So he’s not just my fuck buddy—he’s my BEST fuck buddy, my BFB. Everyone should have one!

It’s hard to set romantic goals. Everyone’s heart has been broken and no one has time for a relationship. Whether you are healing or just aren’t ready to be locked up yet, having “sex” for sex is awesome. Not knowing what you want is OK! So the deal is, @AchesonAcheson, make sure your friends want the same thing as you, be kind to them so the rest of your friends still like you, and maybe make a new friend on the internet. Believe me, there are plenty of fish in the sea who want to fuck.

Wishing you great love and good sex,

Bri

Hot Shows!

Take this Quiz to find out which show you should see this week!

1.  Tonight for dinner I’d like to have:

a. Mexican, Southern Creole, I’m not sure… but I don’t want to cook.

b. No food for me… just a stiff drink.

c. CHOCOLATE!

 

2.  I am currently in the following footwear:

a. Crocs or Birkenstocks

b. High-tops

c. Manolo Blahniks/Jimmy Choo knockoffs gurl

 

3.  The neighborhood I live in is:

a. The West side dahling!

b. Southeast

c. SoBu (that’s south Burnside) or NE

 

RESULTS:

Mostly A’s – You should come see SPILT MILK COMEDY SHOWCASEImage

Mostly B’s – You should come see HAMSTER VILLAGE with Funemployment Radio’s Sarah X and Greg at Mississippi Pizza Co.Image

 

Mostly C’s – You should come see NARAL’s Pro Choice Oregon’s Chocolate’s For Choice Benefit

Image

Pubes!

Happy Movember! Let’s talk about pubes! Since the mid to late 80′s, ladies have been trimming, waxing and shaving; a reaction to the hirsute 70′s or what I like to call “the full bush administration.” Today, a lady who waxes completely bald, isn’t a rare thing.

 

Women’s pubic hair looks:

 

“Trimmed” – Usually down to ½ inch or so.

 

“Mullet” – business in the front, party in the back – a sensible triangle in the front, and that’s all.

 

“Racing strip” – a strip of vertical hair. Because stripes are slimming and so hot right now.

 

“The Mustache Bush” –  Shaving your pubes into the shape of an old timey mustache. We live in Portland, Someone HAS to have done this. Check by the railroad tracks, where some vag is tying a damsel down.

 

“The Soul Patch” – Think of that guy from Smash Mouth.  Now think of his chin on some broad’s crotch.

 

“Shaved” – Completely bald. Sexy on day 1.  On day 2, a fiery hell from which there is no escape.

I asked my hetero-girlfriends; roughly half of boys, that’s 50%, don’t do any grooming whatsoever. Thankfully many men have caught the man-scaping bug; following suit of the dongs that are within the male gaze: James Deen and Ray Jay.

Men’s Pubic Hair Looks:

 

Trimmed: Usually to a ½ inch or so. You can usually tell the sweaty horror with which a boy performs this most terrifying of haircuts.

 

Shaved: Gonezo – usually dotted with ingrown hairs: the enemy of sexiness.

I asked my roommate and other hetero-male friends, the percentage of ladies who do zero grooming, leaving their pubic region an unexplored tundra: 1-10%. One guy said he’d never seen an untouched bush, and he “dated a lot of hippies for a while.”

 

The first time I shaved, I was 21. TWENTY ONE! I had one of those standing shower stalls, with no bathtub, I had to squat down on the floor of the shower. I remember it took forever, til the hot water ran cold.  When I was completely bare, I lotioned (PLEASE gentle reader, use a mild lotion, no scented harshness on your sensitive little bits ok?). And fell in love with my vaginal makeover. EVERYTHING WAS SO SENSITIVE. Sensations renewed! It was like someone giving you the chance to watch Star Wars as if it was the first time, and you’d never even heard the words “Phantom Menace.”

 

8 years later I sometimes treat my pube routine as a chore, instead of a grand experiment. Ladies, ladies, just because you are probably in the 90-99% of pube annihilators, doesn’t mean you have to be a prisoner or a slave. Your man (or the guy you met at plaid pantry 20 minutes ago) will understand if you choose to leave your bush alone for a bit, to allow the soil to remain fertile. And if they don’t understand, if they see the pube maintenance as a cross we have to bear, don’t fuck them.

 

Wishing you great love and good sex,

Bri