2. You put your body where it needs to be. He’s happy and you’re happy.
4. Suck that dick.
Sex is interactive, so I can’t give you a manual to the dick in front of you like it was a ’67 Chevy. Take it out of the garage and listen to that thing purrr; then get a feel for it and take it through the curves. Every mechanic thinks they are the boss and every cocksucker has their own moves, techniques, and calling cards. I knew a girl who wrapped a strand of her hair under the dude’s foreskin for him to find later. Get together and ask your friends, sisters, Rabbis, and friendly neighborhood sex workers. They’ll have a story or two from the front lines.
In the meantime, here are a few strategies from your big sister Bri:
Tuck your teeth back.
Find a rhythm, then break the rhythm. Do the same motion over and over (y’know, like during intercourse) then when you can tell he’s realllly into it, swerve. Pick a different rhythm. Pay attention to the reaction you get, then pick the rhythm that makes your dude writhe.
Here’s a tip you can have for free: Most guys like to watch. Turn on a light, or tell him to. Work your hair and look him in the eye. Badda boom. Really turns up the drama on the whole thing. Pull out the stops! This is not a dress rehearsal, this is the big night!
He should be REAL hard at this point. A lot of pressure is coming down on this sweet penis.Veins might be popping out. Now is a good time to play with sexy tension and change the rhythm to slow it down, bringing him back from the edge of the void.
A hard penis is like a good roux*, you can do a lot of things with it. Make it into a white sauce, make gumbo, or add cheese and macaroni and bake at 400 degrees for an hour**. Blowjob foreplay can lead to lots of different things—maybe some of you guys have seen porn before? Also, by slowing down and changing gears, you’re teaching the man attached to this lucky penis a valuable lesson about endurance. Remember, plenty of dudes can’t cum from oral sex… I’ve heard. Follow his lead, towards the finish line or on to another sexy adventure.
But there are also your textbook blow jobs. An act of precision and beauty in an uncertain world. On occasion, it’s nice to end the thing like you started it. So let’s cut the bullshit and make the gravy.***
5. Bring it home
Committing to those aforementioned rhythmic intervals are going to push you toward the end of the second act, so now might be a good time to decide where this guy’s gonna cum.
Honestly, It’s basically your decision since you’re the one driving the damn thing. You could ask him, but if he says something you aren’t into and you have to say “no,” that’s a real buzzkill right there. Offer a suggestion or just pull the trigger; he’s gonna be stoked no matter what, believe me. Ejaculation is a lot like real estate: Location, location, location. The way I see it, you have 3 options: onto you, around you, or into you. Pick one, then commit. Don’t get scared at the last second or someone might get hurt.
Taking it in the mouth is a perfectly reasonable way to take care of the whole jizz situation. Keep track of those sperms and either destroy them in the acidic depths of your belly, or spit them out, bag ‘em and tag ‘em. Any other targets might create a splash zone on your luxury bed linens, the bus stop enclosure, or whatever kinked-out scene you’re making.
He might give you a head’s up when the countdown has begun, but you can feel it out too. There will be throbbing, so look alive. All the air will leave the room, like when the wick of an explosive is lit. Zoom in to his crossed eyes, body spasm, silent spurts, followed by the sounds of release! GENTLY, GENTLY help him finish while he stares into the abyss of his little death.
Big question, SPIT OR SWALLOW? In or out? Ugh, why so binary, you sex robots?! I don’t care, and believe me he doesn’t either. If he has a preference and he didn’t tell you before hand, well, that’ll be a fun talk for next time. I feel like swallowing is the industry standard, but don’t be afraid of spitting, you sensitive flowers. A risky spit take could be a move for the bathroom but you run the risk of running into your roommate who really wants to talk about the cable bill. Be honest with yourselves, spitters! Be prepared and keep a LINED garbage can nearby and tissues in your sex kit. Oh good, you remembered your sex kit! I’m proud of you!
Swallowing is self-explanatory. Grab a swig of water, dab the corner of your mouth with your grandmother’s handkerchief and relax. You earned it. Now give your dude a kiss, go on, it’ll be good for him.
Author’s Note: When I was younger and less experienced, I found a startling trend among my lovers of aggressively pressing down on the back of my head while I was administering oral. I sought guidance from an older friend, “I don’t know what to do, when he holds my head down, I gag and it feels like I’m going to throw up!” Her advice? “If he won’t stop, just throw up.” HEAR THIS, BLOWJOB RECIPIENTS: non-consensual deepthroating is a real bummer. Girls who can do it and like to do it and WANT TO DO IT will let you know; they’re probably pretty proud and ready to show off. Don’t block someone’s airway against their will because you think she might like it a little rough. Roger that?
There, I told you I’d tell you how to finish! Bri Pruett finishes what she starts.
Wishing you great love and blowjob dreams,
*I’m looking forward to receiving my Pulitzer in Journalism for comparing sex and food for the first time.
**If I seriously don’t get any marriage proposals after proving that I am both good at blowing dudes and making baked pasta dishes…