My Mark Driscoll Impression

You’ve probably seen something about misogynist ass hat Pastor Mark Driscoll in the news lately. His Mars Hill church has been accused of cult-like shaming behavior and institutional misogyny. Also misappropriating funds…whoops!

 

I thought it might be fun to reframe some things he’s been saying, allegedly, in private. Enjoy me saying dumb stuff! This guy is such a priiiiick!

 

Let’s Do It!: Cuddling Class

Simultaneous orgasms. That’s what athletic sports are missing, in my opinion: Both teams scoring at the same time. Get with it, sports.

I was scoring with my sweet slam-piece one summer afternoon. As we finish and untangle our bodies, I take a deep breath, look over, and dude is LOOKING AT HIS PHONE. My animal-brain took over and I heard myself say “Put down your fucking phone.” It was mortifying. Not because I emoted in front of a dude—I’m entitled to post-coital emotions—but because that voice came from a reptile part of my brain. This guy isn’t mine to boss around. We have an arrangement: We smoke a joint or two, watch something stupid (dude likes American Ninja Warrior almost as much as I do) and then fool around.

I’m not an animal. I’m not having a baby and I don’t need to cling to this guy to be sure he sticks around and provides for me and our cubs. There’s no need to start building a nest; I’m a human with an apartment and an IUD. I probably wouldn’t pick this guy as my baby daddy anyway, he smokes weed and watchesAmerican Ninja Warrior like me. Someone’s gotta listen to classical music and read or this baby is going to be stupid.

Oh animal-brain, you were so useful for propagating our species, putting human beings on the map, but now you’re embarrassing me! Yes, I like a post-coital cuddle, but from my informal poll of my lady, dude, and lady-dude friends, I am in the minority. What am I talking about? Ok, here’s a typical sex timeline…

FOREPLAY (which may or may not involve a TV show obstacle course)

SEX

POST-COITAL CUDDLE – Phase One

CLEAN-UP/BATHROOM TRIP

POST-COITAL CUDDLE – Phase Two

REPEAT (2 or 3 times)

SLEEP

BRUNCH (optional)

“Phase One” is that moment after sex when you transition from sex-beast to civilian. You breath deeply, remember that you’re a human, you’re in your bedroom, and rent’s due. You might not get into a full cuddle position. You might just touch limbs or you might collapse into a fuck pile. It’s a sweaty embrace, not for the prim and proper.

“Clean-up” is where you get rid of the condom, the wrapper, perhaps towel off and, after penetration—aka “p” in the “v’g”—ladies empty their bladder to clear out any debris that got stuck all up in their nethers during said coitus. 100% of ladies I talked to said they do this, so look alive gentlemen and other folks who bang ladies. Don’t bang too far away from a toilet.

“Phase Two” is when you come back together after running those sex errands. That’s when you assume the official cuddle position and dig in. Some ladies I know told me their phase two is 30-60 seconds. Whereas most of my dude friends say they like phase two to run 60-90 seconds. At this point, these folks either decide to go round two, or skip straight to brunch. For special people like me, who don’t mind being sloths for the good part of a Sunday, Phase Two can run 10 minutes to several hours.

Cuddling all really depends on the nature of the hook-up. If you are a burgeoning couple, Phase two might be a great time to marinate in that after-sex hormone soup, building a bond and letting those super squishy feelings blossom. If you are married/partnered/imprisoned (j/k), maybe you feel like the love feelings are self-evident. You know your partner pretty well at this point, their post-coital routine; now they like to eat some oatmeal and read a book. Your partner’s weird.

Say this has been the maiden voyage of you and your new lover’s sexual relationship vessel; shining, still dripping with champagne, complicated rope knots, and a handful of hot sea-men (man, I’m great at metaphors). Both Phases One and Two are going to be fraught with the potentially stormy, intimacy waters. Oh you thought that the intimacy part, was when this person was inside you? Sure that’s part of it, but at least for me, after his dong has kicked up all manner of oxytocin, seratonin, and dopamine, that’s when I think about the person I’m with. Unwanted thoughts present themselves: “Is this THE GUY?” Thanks a lot for the pressure reptile brain.

And remember, Phase Two can be scary for people who’ve been hurt bad. Put in the 30-60 seconds and then feel it out. If your lover nestles into you, closes their eyes, and goes limp, take that as a cue that this is a “cuddler.” You might as well start episode 1 of a netflix series, because this could take a while.

Why cuddle at all? Because intimacy is good for you, to feel more connected to all humans. And when the uber-fear rises in the back of your throat remember, this isn’t the person who hurt you, this person right now, only wants your comfort and peace. This cuddly-act doesn’t mean anything implicitly. You communicate with actions and words and your actions in this context communicate these things, “we shared something, and it felt so good! Thank you for sharing that with me. I want you to feel peace and comfort now. You are safe with me.”

Wishing you long cuddles and good sex,
@BriPruett

 

2 BIG SHOWS Saturday August 23rd!

Great shows this Saturday, August 23rd! First up, this metal, brunch, comedy extravaganza!

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Ressurection: The bruchening is: myself, Amy Miller, Kristine Levine, Dan Weber, Shane Torres, Anthony Lopez, Todd Armstrong, and host Trevor Thorpe, plus special guests. At the gloriously air-conditioned, Doug Fir at 1:30pm – Fight your hangover and join us! DUDES, Bloody Mary included in price of admission! Be there!

Then, sleep off your booze and come here…

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Midnight Ma$$ One Year Anniversary – hosted by the lovely Amy Miller, featuring pretty much everyone, plus music from The Thermals. It is always MONSTER line-up, with always excellent special guests. If you are a fan of Portland Comedy and you haven’t been to this show yet… WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!! COME SEE IT!

Also there’s a private after-party that you can come to if you’re cool. But it’s a secret, so maybe just shake my hand and get to know me after the show. SECRETS!

Hope you can make it, gentle friends!

Portland Mercury Movie Review: Sex Tape!

**The Mercury asked me to review a movie! And I HATED IT! But I wrote a thing, read it on the blog here… or just y’know read it right NOW…

Okay! So! Sex Tape! Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel meet in college where they have the most boring, awkward, vaginal penetration-only, vanilla sex of all time. Because they don’t use birth control, she gets knocked up, which means she’s stuck with this gawky, pasty-ass ball-and-chain and becomes a stay-at-home-ding-dong. Flash forward to their non-existent, boring sex life as a married couple—’cause, y’know, MARRIAGE = LESS SEX? IS THIS A FRESH PERSPECTIVE? HOW ‘BOUT NOW?!

To spice things up, instead of oral sex, toys, watching porn, roleplaying, or just not having stupid dialogue during sex, they make a—you guessed it—sex tape, and it doesn’t even get leaked onto the internet until 30 minutes into the damn movie. Naturally, due to some iPad-ex-machina, the tape is soon all over town, with the shamed couple running through all kinds of madcap follies as a result, accompanied, for some reason, by the underutilized Rob Corddry and Ellie Kemper.

I won’t spoil the end for you (director Jake Kasdan does a great job of that himself, assisted by the clunky script by Kate Angelo, Jason Segel, and Nicholas Stoller), but I will say that at end of the movie, in the not-so-grand tradition of The Hangover, yes, they finally show the scandalous tape. These idiots were right to be ashamed! I’ve never been less turned on by two healthy, naked people; if you make it this far into the movie, these will be the most underwhelming five minutes of your life. Rock Hudson and his beard made more titillating movies in the ’50s.

Sex Tape is a hackneyed, overlong, poorly constructed film, with a confused message that somehow turns out to be sex-negative. If you lose a bet and have to see it, you’ll at least enjoy a few moments of fun from Jack Black, Artemis Pebdani, Kumail Nanjiani, and Rob Lowe, who, god bless him, is kind enough to just play a version of his character from Parks and Rec.