I was interviewed for this great website! Jackie became interested in the strength of funny women and female comedians; we met for coffee and she did her thing. I’ve been written about before and this is by far my favorite result. Jackie was picking up what I was laying down and I’m so grateful she took the time to hear me. Read it and explore the site!
Pat Moran took these beautiful pictures of Late Night Action with Alex Falcone, our first show at our new home: Secret Society! Thanks Pat, Alex, Secret Society, Action/Adventure, Caitlin our director and all the awesome writers and guests who make this show a pleasure! Check out the next show at LateNightAction.com
A friend of mine, local actor/musician @AchesonAcheson(aka Kyle Acheson), sent me this twitter query: “What’s the deal with those friends? You know, the kind where you have the sex, but you’re still totally just friends?”
Good question! The deal is, when you start having the sex with anyone, you should ask yourself, “What do I want?” Sometimes the answer that rises from your emotion guts is “Love!” or “A Cool Boyfriend/Girlfriend!”, but sometimes what you want from sex is “SEX.” If that is the case: congratulations, you know what you want and you’re doing the right things!
But who should you share this most lovely and intimate of physical exchanges with? A stranger? Maybe. How ‘bout a friend? Hey, that sounds good. That friend had better also want “sex” from sex. If that person (or you) secretly wants “a boyfriend/girlfriend,” not just “sex” from sex, there might be some hurt feelings!
A lot of Portlanders are transplants; you can identify transplants by their band and their use of the phrase “you call this snow?” Transplants usually use their sacred friend group as a surrogate family—so take care when fucking your fake family, you Portland newbies! Communicate well so there’s no cause for hurt feelings and mad drama.
To further avoid mad drama, it might be better to fuck a friend on the outskirts of your friend group. You might be saying to yourself, “What if I blow the hot dude in my fantasy football league and it gets real weird!?” Well, if you’re worried you and your totally hot fantasy football bro can’t have some consensual sex without fumbling the league, or whatever… Why not make a NEW friend outside of your sacred friend group (or the league), hang out with that person like a friend, then start having sex with them? Where do you meet such an open-minded fuck buddy? THERE’S THIS THING CALLED THE INTERNET.
My fuck buddy and I just celebrated our six-month anniversary. Guess how we celebrated?
I am actually loathe to use the term “fuck buddy,” because he’s more than that. I rescued him when his car broke down; he helped me with my sprained ankle. In the summer we hiked, and on warm nights we walked to restaurants. Sometimes he just sleeps in my bed. Feelings are definitely squishy, but he’s not my boyfriend or partner, and he’s not going to meet my mom. He’s my friend and I think he’s great.
So he’s not just my fuck buddy—he’s my BEST fuck buddy, my BFB. Everyone should have one!
It’s hard to set romantic goals. Everyone’s heart has been broken and no one has time for a relationship. Whether you are healing or just aren’t ready to be locked up yet, having “sex” for sex is awesome. Not knowing what you want is OK! So the deal is, @AchesonAcheson, make sure your friends want the same thing as you, be kind to them so the rest of your friends still like you, and maybe make a new friend on the internet. Believe me, there are plenty of fish in the sea who want to fuck.
Wishing you great love and good sex,
Take this Quiz to find out which show you should see this week!
1. Tonight for dinner I’d like to have:
a. Mexican, Southern Creole, I’m not sure… but I don’t want to cook.
b. No food for me… just a stiff drink.
2. I am currently in the following footwear:
a. Crocs or Birkenstocks
c. Manolo Blahniks/Jimmy Choo knockoffs gurl
3. The neighborhood I live in is:
a. The West side dahling!
c. SoBu (that’s south Burnside) or NE
Mostly B’s – You should come see HAMSTER VILLAGE with Funemployment Radio’s Sarah X and Greg at Mississippi Pizza Co.
Mostly C’s – You should come see NARAL’s Pro Choice Oregon’s Chocolate’s For Choice Benefit
Happy Movember! Let’s talk about pubes! Since the mid to late 80′s, ladies have been trimming, waxing and shaving; a reaction to the hirsute 70′s or what I like to call “the full bush administration.” Today, a lady who waxes completely bald, isn’t a rare thing.
Women’s pubic hair looks:
“Trimmed” – Usually down to ½ inch or so.
“Mullet” – business in the front, party in the back – a sensible triangle in the front, and that’s all.
“Racing strip” – a strip of vertical hair. Because stripes are slimming and so hot right now.
“The Mustache Bush” – Shaving your pubes into the shape of an old timey mustache. We live in Portland, Someone HAS to have done this. Check by the railroad tracks, where some vag is tying a damsel down.
“The Soul Patch” – Think of that guy from Smash Mouth. Now think of his chin on some broad’s crotch.
“Shaved” – Completely bald. Sexy on day 1. On day 2, a fiery hell from which there is no escape.
I asked my hetero-girlfriends; roughly half of boys, that’s 50%, don’t do any grooming whatsoever. Thankfully many men have caught the man-scaping bug; following suit of the dongs that are within the male gaze: James Deen and Ray Jay.
Men’s Pubic Hair Looks:
Trimmed: Usually to a ½ inch or so. You can usually tell the sweaty horror with which a boy performs this most terrifying of haircuts.
Shaved: Gonezo – usually dotted with ingrown hairs: the enemy of sexiness.
I asked my roommate and other hetero-male friends, the percentage of ladies who do zero grooming, leaving their pubic region an unexplored tundra: 1-10%. One guy said he’d never seen an untouched bush, and he “dated a lot of hippies for a while.”
The first time I shaved, I was 21. TWENTY ONE! I had one of those standing shower stalls, with no bathtub, I had to squat down on the floor of the shower. I remember it took forever, til the hot water ran cold. When I was completely bare, I lotioned (PLEASE gentle reader, use a mild lotion, no scented harshness on your sensitive little bits ok?). And fell in love with my vaginal makeover. EVERYTHING WAS SO SENSITIVE. Sensations renewed! It was like someone giving you the chance to watch Star Wars as if it was the first time, and you’d never even heard the words “Phantom Menace.”
8 years later I sometimes treat my pube routine as a chore, instead of a grand experiment. Ladies, ladies, just because you are probably in the 90-99% of pube annihilators, doesn’t mean you have to be a prisoner or a slave. Your man (or the guy you met at plaid pantry 20 minutes ago) will understand if you choose to leave your bush alone for a bit, to allow the soil to remain fertile. And if they don’t understand, if they see the pube maintenance as a cross we have to bear, don’t fuck them.
Wishing you great love and good sex,
Willamette Week polled the comedy community and they gave me a thousand high fives. I’m thrilled that the Willamette Week is spending some time giving mad props to the Portland Comedy Community. Everyone else on this list is wonderful and deserves your attention at once! Thanks fam.
It’s 2am and my phone lights up with a message. It’s a simple message, but the implications are obvious.The subtext of this text: “Hey, would now be a good time for me to come over and have sex?” The actual text reads: “Hey”
I know what he means, because this is a person who I have a prescribed relationship with and I know where this ‘Hey” is going. You don’t make small talk with Santa Claus do you? You say “Here’s what I want.” As is the subtle beautiful booty text relationship. My problem with this brief message, is not it’s brevity, or it’s casualness… it’s the lack of imagination. Sex is a beautiful, carnal, physical exchange and we’ve become so embarrassed and ashamed of our sexuality we are losing the language to talk about it.
I surveyed a small group of hetero lady friends (as the hetero males seem to be the number one unimaginative Booty Call perpetrators) about their worst Booty Text. Here are the worst and/or most frequent texts in pursuit of booty.
“How about a little hump day fun?” -sent on a wednesday (ugh)
“When can I cum eat ur pussy”
“Hey, Missed me?;)”
“Happy Hour?” -sent at 2am
“excuse me, is your bed taken?”
When I really want to get down don’t make me say ‘no’ just to invalidate your dumb ass ideas of what sexy is. It’s not fair! A good booty text is pretty simple: Be vulnerable! Be bold! Be playful and funny! To inspire your brief lusty shouts into the void, I’ve enlisted some local writers, comedians, and pro-tweeters…
“WebMD says my junk might be broken forever. Can I get a second opinion?” @Alex_Falcone
“Come over and be the little spoon while we watch that Disney version of Robin Hood with those hot foxes.” @RorynotRoy
“We’ve got tonight, who needs tomorrow. And I promise not to cry afterwards this time.” Tommy Gaffney
“I think my dick needs some ‘you’ time.’” @WalkerNicolas
“I want to do that thing you said we could do when my ankle healed. Also, I bought the “item.” “ @Jason_Rouse
“I’m not tryna fuck, but if that what has to happen for us to spoon together all night, then you could probably convince me.” – @Curtis_Cook
And if that wasn’t enough to get your lover’s engine going try this… “I’ll buy breakfast” @bripruett
Wishing you great love and good sex,
Mad Mic Skills – All Jane No Dick Comedy Festival 2013 – Curious Comedy Theater – Portland, OR – Photo by Jason Traeger http://portlandstandupphotoalbum.tumblr.com/