Illustration by Erika Moen

First let’s deal with some of your concerns…

1. I don’t like “asking.”
People (especially men) have told me that “asking permission” feels weak, that it establishes a power dynamic from the get-go that may not be a total turn on. Can I suggest this adjustment to your logic: the “ask” is a sign of ultimate respect, a new “laying your cape over a mud puddle.” Because who can remember to bring their cape all the time? If your boo is into consent, asking IS foreplay.

2. It makes sex so mechanical.
Maybe there is a small loss of spontaneity. But if you get consent beforehand, or better yet, have a grown up discussion of what you are into and when/where you want to get it, you’ll have the green light to get as weird-as-you-wanna-be when the time comes. I’ll take kink over spontaneity any day.

3. Girl’s are the brakes, boys are the gas.
Why are you even reading this column, you dumb dinosaur?! There’s an assumption that cis-gender straight males are ALWAYS trying to get it IN and it’s the “woman’s job to put on the brakes.” It’s 2016, dummies. That kind of over-simplification is over. Yes, let’s acknowledge the long history of teaching men to “ask” consent and women to “give” consent *cough* rape culture *cough*. However, women can help this process by participating in the culture of consentthemselves, asking and granting permission also.

4. I don’t know how.
For a lot of us, this is new. We’re finding the language, the rhythms and the emotions associated with consent. It’s OK for it to feel awkward. We’re all gonna be so good at this soon (a great resource is sex educator/graphic artist Erika Moen’s blog entry on consent). If you’re just getting your feet wet, here are some phrases to try out:

Can I….?
Will you…?
Would it feel good if I ….?
Would you like it if I…?
Do you like it when…?

Here are some phrases that sound less like questions:

It would feel so good if you…
It turns me on when you…
When you _____, it makes me hot
I love it when you ____
I want you to _____

Okay now here are some perfectly reasonable verbs to add to this sentence:

touch
kiss
lick
suck
stick it inside (where applicable)
take off
keep going

Finish it with a subject:

My/your dick
My/Your Pussy
My/Your Legs
My/Your Butt
His/Her/their dick/pussy/legs/butt

Try it with your partner, your weekend lover, or whatever lucky, sunsick fool you hook up with tonight. And don’t thank me too much when you ask permission to fuck and your consent-lovin’ bae floods their basement.

Wishing you great love and hot, consensual action,
@BriPruett

Illustration by Erika Moen

As the first signs of Back-to-School season rears it’s ugly, crayola head, we know in our bones that YES the nine-months of wet/gray/winter-ish is coming. So,have you thought about your cold-weather relationship yet? Dating is fun in the summer when activities and patios are plentiful. Come autumn, you can harvest your relationship like a ripe tomato and make a rich sauce to sustain you during the cold months. If you are like literally everyone on the planet, you date online to increase your odds of meeting someone. Here are my tips for finding the biggest fish in your pond.com:

1. Talk about your lifestyle
Say I stumbled across a dude online who has dedicated his life to ice fishing. He goes on several ice fishing trips a year, has Marlins mounted all over his house(Marlins aren’t products of cold-water fishing, you say? Shut up nerd, I’m just trying to make a point), and all his friends talk ice fishing 24/7. That would be a real red flag for someone like me; I’m too soft for that life. My point is this: Service industry folks aren’t going to be able to get up and jog with you at 5 am, starving artists aren’t going to be able to afford to travel with you to Antigua, and devoted Christians aren’t going to brunch with you on Sunday… God doesn’t even brunch on Sunday, he waits until Monday when the lines are shorter. Smart, God.

2. Brevity is your friend
For the sake of pure readability, I urge you to keep it brief. No more than 500 words in total for a site like OKCupid or Match.com. If you are going long, cut the details about your personal “history” first. Those are great details to offer in the first couple of messages you write to the person you want to meet with.

3. Ask your friends for help
Everyone needs an editor, and I’m nothing without Wm. Steven Humphrey! Ask your friends to read your profile, for grammar and content. Ask them if it sounds honest, or if you left anything out. Good friends will be honest, mediocre friends will give you some nice fluff about how great your butt looks. Go ahead and brag, you won’t sound like an asshole; you’ll sound like a person who knows they deserve a rad partner.

4. Don’t list “dealbreakers”
We all have boundaries hidden in the deep confines of our soul. However, I’d wager on the journey toward love, you’re more flexible than you think. Through messaging and the first dates, you’ll be able to identify the things that are just NOT going to work for you.

I met my sweet boyfriend online. He wrote pages and pages of OKCupid profile prose, his username referenced a foreign film I liked and I knew immediately he had the gentle soul of an artist. Surprise, I’m into that kind of thing. So I asked him a couple of questions… I didn’t even say hi. He was glad to meet a straight-forward, brass tacks kinda broad. By our third date, we started clearing our schedules to make time for each other, then we got all boo’d up.

It can happen to you too, folks! Next time on Let’s Do it with Bri Pruett: Opening Lines for Online Daters.

Wishing you great love and good sex,
@BriPruett